Catching up..

Catching up on this Happy May thing...

Past couple days were a blur. I don't really remember what I did except I stressed out about bio midterm, lab, and scholarship. I just remember there were literally 20 things on my To Do list and it freaked me out. I'm down to 8 thank good ness :')
I think I've mentioned this before on this blog, but I get super anxious whenever I'm applying for scholarships or jobs or anything. So as you can probably guess, applying to colleges was a hell of a ride for me. I get super nervous because I always think I'm not good enough. I give up without even trying. I've been trying to work on this for awhile now, but it's still a struggle for me. It is so bad because I always think I'm don't meet the requirement and give up without even trying! I'm just really afraid of failures and rejections. I hate being told that I am not good enough and that I'm a disappointment. BUT it's life, not everything is gonna go my way, I am not the best in everything, I don't have to be the best in everything, people fail and get rejected a lot, probably more than I do, so why not try at least?!

5/13
I feel like my walk with God is progressing -- finally!!! And I've been having some troubling thoughts lately, but praying about it brought peace to my heart. I've been reading Psalms lately, and I absolutely love it. It is so poetic and all the writers in the book are so honest and raw with their emotions. I'm learning that I don't have to bottle everything up inside of me as I can "let go and let God." And journaling down my thoughts and my reflection helped me a lot with my thought process and prayers! I feel like I am finally back on track, and it makes my heart sing of joy. :)
And I have been so angry at the world lately too as there are SO many manipulative, greedy, and violent people in this world who harms the innocent. I kept asking myself Why? What even motivates them to do such things? I read the bible, my favorite book of Psalms, and came across a passage talking about the wicked, greedy people in this world -- then I thought, why do I hate them so much? they are human too after all, so they sin. I sin too. Everyone just sins differently. No matter how big or small a sin may be, it is still a sin. Everyone sins differently. [very important to remember]

I found out today that my top 3 spiritual gifts are administration, service, and mercy. I know that I am good at planning and organizing things to get stuff done, but it just puts extra stress on me so I don't know how to feel about it. Other than that, I completely agree with service and mercy though I did not know they were gonna be so high on the list. I really want to serve and just help others in need and I love to talk to people who are struggling to help and and build personal relationships with them. I think I might take the test again to see if I get the same three because when I took the test I was iffy on a lot of things.
(Wow, I have changed so much)
Oh and I'm going back to portland this weekend! Super excited because I incredibly miss portland.. and shopping AND (good) DONUTS. And my family too I guess. LOL. But before I go, I have to finish most of my lab report and other homework.
Did I mention that I got a plane ticket to go to Korea in the summer?! I miss Korea. It has been 9 years. Wow. I'll be mostly doing volunteer work in Korea (which I am so stoked for even if it requires cleaning poop and getting bitten by all the bugs) and I might do some job shadowing too! I am SO SO SO excited!! My relatives will be weirded out because my Korean isn't going to be super fluent and English is going to slip out here and there.