It is weird being surrounded by those who actually like me. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am respected, appreciated, valued, and loved. I am not a terrible person after all. I am actually likable. I am friendly. I am kind. I am respected. I am needed.
I am loved.. by so many.
SO many. I never realize how much love I receive from people. My parents, my grandparents, my aunt, my pastor back at home, they all pray for me and hope nothing but the best for me.
It is very hard for me realize and accept the fact that I am loved. I've always had friends and family, but it's not about them -- it's about me. I never understood why people liked me because I hated myself so much. My personality is one of my biggest insecurities, and I have NEVER liked it until this weekend. I know I can have many different "faces" and I hated that because I always thought I had some bipolar or personality disorder. I never knew what my real "face" was, I guess. But all these different faces are me. They make up who I am. I can be kind and gentle. I can be quirky and weird. I can be obnoxious and loud. I can be outgoing and fun. I can be harsh and critical. I can be hilarious and crazy. I can be shy and quiet. I can be passionate and assertive. I can be hardworking and determined. I can be lazy and careless. I can be whatever the heck I want to be -- and that is something I like about myself. I can be me at all times, being all these different things.
It's weird to finally accept myself as who I am
now it's time to try to love myself wholeheartedly.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Sprummer 2015 recap
5/22 - 5/25
Sprummer. It was a stress-free, God-focused weekend that I got to spend with my second family.
I am so thankful for the relationships I've made in college, and I just cannot wait to see what God has in store for all of us.
I was reminded of how God makes all things new and beautiful, and that he ultimately comes before anything. I was kind of having a trouble in my walk as I supported same sex marriage. I know, this is a very controversial topic. But as a Christian, as someone who believes in Christ and his words, I do not support same sex marriage. I'm not going to say that homosexuality is wrong and that you're gonna go to hell for being a homosexual. I'm still going to love you even though I don't believe in something you believe in -- just as how people of different religions get along (Christians and non-Christians for example). In God's timing, it'll all work out for you when you choose to follow him because he gave you free will to choose sin or him. I sound as if I am emphasizing homosexuality as a sin; it is according to the Bible but so are self-hatred, lying, and etc. We sin everyday and everyone sins differently. What I'm trying to say is that we all sin, we are all dirty -- but we are washed and cleaned through Jesus. Enough preaching, yeah? Moving on to another one that I was reminded of this past weekend..
It was amazing to see all of these different people with different struggles come together to worship one God. We were all captivated by some earthly thing(s) but this weekend, we were all captivated by our savior. This again reminded me that God makes beauty out of ashes.
It was a different experience from Theophilus. At Theophilus, I was very emotionally vulnerable as it was only a month after I had become Christian, but at this retreat, I did not feel as vulnerable. It made me realize how far I had come with my faith and how strong I have gotten these past few months. I still cried though 'cause I cry literally during every worship and maybe some sessions at retreats. I thought I was almost healed, but I guess I'm not. Digging up those memories always hurt, and it hurts especially because as time goes on, I'm realizing more things that contributed to my testimony/story.
At this one seminar about the importance of culture, I sat with this one girl to pray together. We prayed for each other, for better relationship with our parents, and for her parents to realize what Christianity is about (as her parents are Catholics). I prayed out loud for us first, then she went second. She stuttered a lot, so I asked her if it was her first time praying out loud and she said it was. I found that super cool because I was in her position once. I encouraged her to practice praying out loud and to journal her prayers and just passed down the wisdom and advices I've received. It was such a heartwarming experience.
And I had a high school senior in my group who is coming to OSU in the fall! It was so nice to talk to her and just give her advices and tell her what college is all about. Again, it was super cool and weird because I was the one who was giving advices to an incoming freshman. And I heard that she is incredibly smart. It's weird because I got a "smart" girl in my small group at Theo too. Through putting these very intelligent girls in my small groups, God is definitely telling me something. I used to always wonder how intelligent people could be Christians or just have religions in general. Seeing them so passionate about Jesus, it really opened my eyes. It doesn't matter how "smart" you are; you can still believe and have faith even if your mind is science-oriented or whatever. Everyone is capable of having faith because God made us that way.
I think I don't want to be a small group leader next time. I think I like leading at Theo is better for me than at our retreats because I actually want to talk and share things with the people in my group. But as a small group leader, I just feel this pressure to just only facilitate the conversation and listen to others.
What else..
I have changed SO much this past year. SO SO SO much. I know a lot of people say that I am different and I believe so too -- though I sometimes don't see it haha. It has come to the point where someone describes me as "gentle and kind". Yea, that's me. Weird, I know. I think my prayers have been working T_T because I always pray for a kind heart so that I can pour love on others just as how God poured love on us. I'm glad someone recognized T_T
Overall, this retreat was such a blessing. It was definitely one of the best weekends! (except for the bug bites) But it's ok!!!!!! I need to get used to bug bites for Korea!!
I am so thankful for the relationships I've made in college, and I just cannot wait to see what God has in store for all of us.
I was reminded of how God makes all things new and beautiful, and that he ultimately comes before anything. I was kind of having a trouble in my walk as I supported same sex marriage. I know, this is a very controversial topic. But as a Christian, as someone who believes in Christ and his words, I do not support same sex marriage. I'm not going to say that homosexuality is wrong and that you're gonna go to hell for being a homosexual. I'm still going to love you even though I don't believe in something you believe in -- just as how people of different religions get along (Christians and non-Christians for example). In God's timing, it'll all work out for you when you choose to follow him because he gave you free will to choose sin or him. I sound as if I am emphasizing homosexuality as a sin; it is according to the Bible but so are self-hatred, lying, and etc. We sin everyday and everyone sins differently. What I'm trying to say is that we all sin, we are all dirty -- but we are washed and cleaned through Jesus. Enough preaching, yeah? Moving on to another one that I was reminded of this past weekend..
It was amazing to see all of these different people with different struggles come together to worship one God. We were all captivated by some earthly thing(s) but this weekend, we were all captivated by our savior. This again reminded me that God makes beauty out of ashes.
It was a different experience from Theophilus. At Theophilus, I was very emotionally vulnerable as it was only a month after I had become Christian, but at this retreat, I did not feel as vulnerable. It made me realize how far I had come with my faith and how strong I have gotten these past few months. I still cried though 'cause I cry literally during every worship and maybe some sessions at retreats. I thought I was almost healed, but I guess I'm not. Digging up those memories always hurt, and it hurts especially because as time goes on, I'm realizing more things that contributed to my testimony/story.
At this one seminar about the importance of culture, I sat with this one girl to pray together. We prayed for each other, for better relationship with our parents, and for her parents to realize what Christianity is about (as her parents are Catholics). I prayed out loud for us first, then she went second. She stuttered a lot, so I asked her if it was her first time praying out loud and she said it was. I found that super cool because I was in her position once. I encouraged her to practice praying out loud and to journal her prayers and just passed down the wisdom and advices I've received. It was such a heartwarming experience.
And I had a high school senior in my group who is coming to OSU in the fall! It was so nice to talk to her and just give her advices and tell her what college is all about. Again, it was super cool and weird because I was the one who was giving advices to an incoming freshman. And I heard that she is incredibly smart. It's weird because I got a "smart" girl in my small group at Theo too. Through putting these very intelligent girls in my small groups, God is definitely telling me something. I used to always wonder how intelligent people could be Christians or just have religions in general. Seeing them so passionate about Jesus, it really opened my eyes. It doesn't matter how "smart" you are; you can still believe and have faith even if your mind is science-oriented or whatever. Everyone is capable of having faith because God made us that way.
I think I don't want to be a small group leader next time. I think I like leading at Theo is better for me than at our retreats because I actually want to talk and share things with the people in my group. But as a small group leader, I just feel this pressure to just only facilitate the conversation and listen to others.
What else..
I have changed SO much this past year. SO SO SO much. I know a lot of people say that I am different and I believe so too -- though I sometimes don't see it haha. It has come to the point where someone describes me as "gentle and kind". Yea, that's me. Weird, I know. I think my prayers have been working T_T because I always pray for a kind heart so that I can pour love on others just as how God poured love on us. I'm glad someone recognized T_T
Overall, this retreat was such a blessing. It was definitely one of the best weekends! (except for the bug bites) But it's ok!!!!!! I need to get used to bug bites for Korea!!
Friday, May 22, 2015
May 22
I am so failing at this everyday posting thing.
I leave for a retreat today!
I should be working on my lab report instead of this! But it's ok because I will pull all nighters after the retreat to finish it! I'm gonna regret it so much.
I'm nervous / anxious about being a small group leader. I wanted to be one and I know that I will grow spiritually through this experience, but it is so... stressful? I know, it shouldn't be. I should be willing to do this and it is an honorable / happy thing to do. It's because I'm a perfectionist -- as a small group leader, I want to be a "role model". But you know what, I'm imperfect and that's ok. I can't be a perfect leader because I'm only human. I am praying that God will put the right words in my mouth to speak to those in my group and that I will do whatever at his will. I am praying for wisdom and the heart to talk to each one of these people individually and that they will open up to me. I am not as nervous for this one as Theophilus, but I want to do a better job this time. I want to pour love on them as how God poured love on us. I want to be the one they go to when they feel the need to talk to someone. I want to be someone they can trust and lean on for the weekend. I just pray that I'll be able to be that person.
I'll write about my experience at the retreat when I come back!
And I pray that we'll all make there safely and come back safely and healthy.
I leave for a retreat today!
I should be working on my lab report instead of this! But it's ok because I will pull all nighters after the retreat to finish it! I'm gonna regret it so much.
I'm nervous / anxious about being a small group leader. I wanted to be one and I know that I will grow spiritually through this experience, but it is so... stressful? I know, it shouldn't be. I should be willing to do this and it is an honorable / happy thing to do. It's because I'm a perfectionist -- as a small group leader, I want to be a "role model". But you know what, I'm imperfect and that's ok. I can't be a perfect leader because I'm only human. I am praying that God will put the right words in my mouth to speak to those in my group and that I will do whatever at his will. I am praying for wisdom and the heart to talk to each one of these people individually and that they will open up to me. I am not as nervous for this one as Theophilus, but I want to do a better job this time. I want to pour love on them as how God poured love on us. I want to be the one they go to when they feel the need to talk to someone. I want to be someone they can trust and lean on for the weekend. I just pray that I'll be able to be that person.
I'll write about my experience at the retreat when I come back!
And I pray that we'll all make there safely and come back safely and healthy.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Portlandia
5/16/15
Some of the day's adventures / eats:
Because I cannot drive around downtown.
So kawaii inside.
The best thing that has ever entered my mouth.
So cute and modern.
Blueberry basil and passionfruit. Yas.
The picture on the right is Thai iced tea flavored ice cream. Yas.
This day was the happiest/most stress free day I've had in a long time. I love Portland and living in Corvallis makes me appreciate everything about it even more.
One thing that made me uneasy though --
I saw these two/three Christian guys with signs that said "Homo sex is a sin" "If you don't repent he will punish you" or something like that, and some guy with a costume on was arguing with them / trying to threaten them.
First, everyone sins differently and they (the guys with the signs) need to understand that. Homosexuality is very prevalent in the community but so is self-hate, lying, judging others, and etc. We ALL sin. Homosexuality is not more of a sin than self-hatred. So what if I had a sign that said, "Hating yourself is a sin" "If you don't repent he will punish you". How would you respond?
Second, as someone who was once an atheist I'm just gonna be honest and say that arguing with nonbelievers is NOT going to convert people. It will make them hate religions even more. Instead of arguing, they should have loved on that guy who was threatening them. If you feel so strongly about Christianity, do you not also feel so strongly about God's love and his message? To love others. Pour love on them and they will see his love too.
Third, I know they wanted to get the message across and expose them to the truth.. But what they were trying to do in their argument was proving THEIR point instead of proving GOD himself. They forgot the purpose of why they were standing there with the signs. Maybe their purpose was not completely God centered to begin with.
Finally, I feel like I am a hypocrite for writing all this because I did not do anything about them arguing. I just watched them when I could have said all these things. -- I guess this part was the reason why I was so frustrated and uneasy for rest of the day.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Catching up..
Catching up on this Happy May thing...
Past couple days were a blur. I don't really remember what I did except I stressed out about bio midterm, lab, and scholarship. I just remember there were literally 20 things on my To Do list and it freaked me out. I'm down to 8 thank good ness :')
I think I've mentioned this before on this blog, but I get super anxious whenever I'm applying for scholarships or jobs or anything. So as you can probably guess, applying to colleges was a hell of a ride for me. I get super nervous because I always think I'm not good enough. I give up without even trying. I've been trying to work on this for awhile now, but it's still a struggle for me. It is so bad because I always think I'm don't meet the requirement and give up without even trying! I'm just really afraid of failures and rejections. I hate being told that I am not good enough and that I'm a disappointment. BUT it's life, not everything is gonna go my way, I am not the best in everything, I don't have to be the best in everything, people fail and get rejected a lot, probably more than I do, so why not try at least?!
5/13
I feel like my walk with God is progressing -- finally!!! And I've been having some troubling thoughts lately, but praying about it brought peace to my heart. I've been reading Psalms lately, and I absolutely love it. It is so poetic and all the writers in the book are so honest and raw with their emotions. I'm learning that I don't have to bottle everything up inside of me as I can "let go and let God." And journaling down my thoughts and my reflection helped me a lot with my thought process and prayers! I feel like I am finally back on track, and it makes my heart sing of joy. :)
And I have been so angry at the world lately too as there are SO many manipulative, greedy, and violent people in this world who harms the innocent. I kept asking myself Why? What even motivates them to do such things? I read the bible, my favorite book of Psalms, and came across a passage talking about the wicked, greedy people in this world -- then I thought, why do I hate them so much? they are human too after all, so they sin. I sin too. Everyone just sins differently. No matter how big or small a sin may be, it is still a sin. Everyone sins differently. [very important to remember]
I found out today that my top 3 spiritual gifts are administration, service, and mercy. I know that I am good at planning and organizing things to get stuff done, but it just puts extra stress on me so I don't know how to feel about it. Other than that, I completely agree with service and mercy though I did not know they were gonna be so high on the list. I really want to serve and just help others in need and I love to talk to people who are struggling to help and and build personal relationships with them. I think I might take the test again to see if I get the same three because when I took the test I was iffy on a lot of things.
(Wow, I have changed so much)
Oh and I'm going back to portland this weekend! Super excited because I incredibly miss portland.. and shopping AND (good) DONUTS. And my family too I guess. LOL. But before I go, I have to finish most of my lab report and other homework.
Did I mention that I got a plane ticket to go to Korea in the summer?! I miss Korea. It has been 9 years. Wow. I'll be mostly doing volunteer work in Korea (which I am so stoked for even if it requires cleaning poop and getting bitten by all the bugs) and I might do some job shadowing too! I am SO SO SO excited!! My relatives will be weirded out because my Korean isn't going to be super fluent and English is going to slip out here and there.
Past couple days were a blur. I don't really remember what I did except I stressed out about bio midterm, lab, and scholarship. I just remember there were literally 20 things on my To Do list and it freaked me out. I'm down to 8 thank good ness :')
I think I've mentioned this before on this blog, but I get super anxious whenever I'm applying for scholarships or jobs or anything. So as you can probably guess, applying to colleges was a hell of a ride for me. I get super nervous because I always think I'm not good enough. I give up without even trying. I've been trying to work on this for awhile now, but it's still a struggle for me. It is so bad because I always think I'm don't meet the requirement and give up without even trying! I'm just really afraid of failures and rejections. I hate being told that I am not good enough and that I'm a disappointment. BUT it's life, not everything is gonna go my way, I am not the best in everything, I don't have to be the best in everything, people fail and get rejected a lot, probably more than I do, so why not try at least?!
5/13
I feel like my walk with God is progressing -- finally!!! And I've been having some troubling thoughts lately, but praying about it brought peace to my heart. I've been reading Psalms lately, and I absolutely love it. It is so poetic and all the writers in the book are so honest and raw with their emotions. I'm learning that I don't have to bottle everything up inside of me as I can "let go and let God." And journaling down my thoughts and my reflection helped me a lot with my thought process and prayers! I feel like I am finally back on track, and it makes my heart sing of joy. :)
And I have been so angry at the world lately too as there are SO many manipulative, greedy, and violent people in this world who harms the innocent. I kept asking myself Why? What even motivates them to do such things? I read the bible, my favorite book of Psalms, and came across a passage talking about the wicked, greedy people in this world -- then I thought, why do I hate them so much? they are human too after all, so they sin. I sin too. Everyone just sins differently. No matter how big or small a sin may be, it is still a sin. Everyone sins differently. [very important to remember]
I found out today that my top 3 spiritual gifts are administration, service, and mercy. I know that I am good at planning and organizing things to get stuff done, but it just puts extra stress on me so I don't know how to feel about it. Other than that, I completely agree with service and mercy though I did not know they were gonna be so high on the list. I really want to serve and just help others in need and I love to talk to people who are struggling to help and and build personal relationships with them. I think I might take the test again to see if I get the same three because when I took the test I was iffy on a lot of things.
(Wow, I have changed so much)
Oh and I'm going back to portland this weekend! Super excited because I incredibly miss portland.. and shopping AND (good) DONUTS. And my family too I guess. LOL. But before I go, I have to finish most of my lab report and other homework.
Did I mention that I got a plane ticket to go to Korea in the summer?! I miss Korea. It has been 9 years. Wow. I'll be mostly doing volunteer work in Korea (which I am so stoked for even if it requires cleaning poop and getting bitten by all the bugs) and I might do some job shadowing too! I am SO SO SO excited!! My relatives will be weirded out because my Korean isn't going to be super fluent and English is going to slip out here and there.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Mother's day
Umma, thank you for all that you've done for me. You are nowhere near a "bad parent". I hope you didn't/don't beat yourself up too much about what happened with me. Nobody's perfect. It wasn't your fault and it was not my fault either -- it was just my screwed up brain. I hope you've forgiven yourself for not "looking after me more". Because you've raised me to be so independent, I can do really anything by myself without anyone's help. And not being able to afford college? Well, it really doesn't matter now because it all worked out! You have continuously tried to provide the best for me -- and coming to the U.S. you did for my education, and I am eternally thankful for that. I've never said this to you directly but I really respect you and really aspire to be like you. You are so intelligent and articulate and I just really wish I was as smart and as fluent as you. You always know what to say and how to say things well and I am pretty sad I am not as eloquent. And your smartness!! Wow, you and dad, you both are the smartest people I know. If you were given the opportunities that I have now, you probably would have done something greater -- even though you deny this b/c you always say that you were too lazy to do anything with your education. I know I know, you continue to push me because a part of you wants me to accomplish what you couldn't. And I promise I'll make you proud!
And you have been the shoulder to cry and lean on whenever I felt hopeless and vent to whenever I felt stressed and discouraged. Not gonna lie, it is hard sometimes in college when I don't have anyone to cry to. I miss you mom and I hope to see you next week.
---
Happy birthday, dad.
Dad, I don't know if you know this, but you are the best dad ever. You are even the best man, human being I know. You are my role model -- you don't even know how much I look up to you. Whenever people asked me, "Who do you like better, your mom or dad?" my answer was always you (not that I disliked mom or anything..). You are the most outgoing, joyful, hilarious, easy-going, selfless, humble, and kindhearted man I know, and I am SO happy to call you my dad. It makes me tear up whenever I think about how much you work to provide for the family. Your aching back, tired eyes, restless legs... But you still make time for family -- going camping, hiking, canoeing, biking, playing basketball with my brother.. I don't know how you do it, dad. And I don't know if you've realized this, but people absolutely love you dad. They love your personality and the selfless person you are. You're so involved at church, pursuing your passion -- as you are in church choir now haha -- and you've been elected as one of the leaders for this grocery association thing? You continue to inspire me and motivate me, and I really aspire to be like you.
I just wish that you wouldn't "yolo" it when it comes to your health though. I do NOT want what happened to grandpa to happen to you. Please please please be healthy dad. Please don't drink everyday and please don't eat meat everyday. I love you dad, I just want you to be by my side as long as possible.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
What is sleep
May 7
Just called Korea. Got one thing done on my to do list.
I have 10 more on my to do list... Why man, WHY. I need to remember to make my advising appointment tomorrow. I need to write my essay. I need to study. I don't even know how to prioritize things. I don't even know. I need to do everything. So much to do. So little time.
I don't know when I'm gonna leave the library. I hate walking by myself at night
Maybe I'll pull an all nighter. I don't know.
Something happy that happened today?
Calling Korea was cool. Talking in Korean was cool. I hope everything works out.
I should email the orchestra conductor too.
I kind of did things out of my comfort zone today so I'm proud of myself haha.
Just called Korea. Got one thing done on my to do list.
I have 10 more on my to do list... Why man, WHY. I need to remember to make my advising appointment tomorrow. I need to write my essay. I need to study. I don't even know how to prioritize things. I don't even know. I need to do everything. So much to do. So little time.
I don't know when I'm gonna leave the library. I hate walking by myself at night
Maybe I'll pull an all nighter. I don't know.
Something happy that happened today?
Calling Korea was cool. Talking in Korean was cool. I hope everything works out.
I should email the orchestra conductor too.
I kind of did things out of my comfort zone today so I'm proud of myself haha.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
My mom translated my poem!!!
Imbued with guilt
bathed in regret
Full of sin
Full of regrets
But my God, you love
you love this sinner
I am forever
Conquered by thy grace
죄로 가득한 인생
후회만 쌓이네
원죄와
회한만 가득한데
하지만 나의 하나님, 당신은
당신은 이 죄인을 사랑하시고
나를 은혜로 충만케 하시네.
If any of you can read/understand Korean, you'll see that hers sound... more official? mature? legit? hahaha. But I'm so happy!!!!!!!! :)
beauty for ashes at work
May 6
Interesting article about why eating fish might be worse than eating cows and pigs / Makes me question if a pescetarian diet is "better" than an omnivore diet:
http://ideas.ted.com/should-you-stop-eating-fish-2/
I submitted my poetry a day or two ago to this poetry blog on tumblr and it was featured. First, I did not expect to be featured and second, I did not expect to get so many likes and reflags (over 1000!!!). It is bittersweet that so many liked the poem. Bittersweet that many went through the similar things that I did. This is what "Beauty for ashes" mean. God, you gave me this creative outlet for me to create something beautiful, something others can relate to, out of my ashes. I am forever awe inspired by his grace and humbled by these unexpected outcomes.
Other than that,
stress level still = 235235235892352395. So much work wOrK WORK. Midterm coming up too. Kinda want to avoid everything but kinda need to get all A's. Kinda need to write another scholarship essay and kinda need to ask for a recommendation letter. Everything is such a dragggggggggggggggggggg and my anxieties are obv not helping. DON'T THINK ABOUT THE WORST. Trust in God. God has a plan for me. Breathe in breathe out. He'll make things all right.
Interesting article about why eating fish might be worse than eating cows and pigs / Makes me question if a pescetarian diet is "better" than an omnivore diet:
http://ideas.ted.com/should-you-stop-eating-fish-2/
I submitted my poetry a day or two ago to this poetry blog on tumblr and it was featured. First, I did not expect to be featured and second, I did not expect to get so many likes and reflags (over 1000!!!). It is bittersweet that so many liked the poem. Bittersweet that many went through the similar things that I did. This is what "Beauty for ashes" mean. God, you gave me this creative outlet for me to create something beautiful, something others can relate to, out of my ashes. I am forever awe inspired by his grace and humbled by these unexpected outcomes.
Other than that,
stress level still = 235235235892352395. So much work wOrK WORK. Midterm coming up too. Kinda want to avoid everything but kinda need to get all A's. Kinda need to write another scholarship essay and kinda need to ask for a recommendation letter. Everything is such a dragggggggggggggggggggg and my anxieties are obv not helping. DON'T THINK ABOUT THE WORST. Trust in God. God has a plan for me. Breathe in breathe out. He'll make things all right.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
motivation level = 0 and I like poetry
May 4
This day was a blur. I didn't skip chemistry though!! and presentation went kind of well! But I was kind of stressed out the entire day for some reason. I wrote a poem and I think it is my new hobby.
I've got this huge ass zit on my right cheek though. And bio midterm is in a week.
May 5
I woke up late and missed my discipleship meeting -- again. My zit grew and I popped another pimple that was right above my lips. Iced tea gives me so much energy and I love it. I guess I'm more of a tea person.. what do I do with my nespresso?!?! I mean, I like the taste of coffee, so I'll probably make iced coffee out of it or something. About to get anxieties for my midterm.. it's OK. Everyone's on the same boat. Nobody knows what's really going on in that class. I need to call Korea ASAP and also make my advising appointment. I hate phone calls. I need to stop putting it off. I don't really like yoga. It's cool but it's so slow. I like bikram yoga though because it really challenges me and I can actually do the poses too. I wish I could dedicate like an hour to run every single day (if I wasn't so lazy) because for most of the time I really don't have time to work out. It's because I gotta shower and get ready afterwards.. and I hate being chased by time. I really need to do homework and start studying :'( Help, I don't even know how to study anymore -- haha, this always happens during second midterm. Motivation = 0. Stress level = 32523523524.
I made another tumblr/blog for my poetry. I feel like it's a really good way to get my stress out and be creative ?? I dk, I've been getting all these crazy inspirations when I was taking a shower today.. *shower thoughts* Maybe because I'm getting emotional cause I'm gonna get my period soon. Oh well, I really appreciate poetry now! And awkward, my mother wanted me to show her the ones I wrote. Sorry mother, they're kinda personal but I mean, I guess I could show you one of them. I'll be writing more and I'm excited hehe
This day was a blur. I didn't skip chemistry though!! and presentation went kind of well! But I was kind of stressed out the entire day for some reason. I wrote a poem and I think it is my new hobby.
I've got this huge ass zit on my right cheek though. And bio midterm is in a week.
May 5
I woke up late and missed my discipleship meeting -- again. My zit grew and I popped another pimple that was right above my lips. Iced tea gives me so much energy and I love it. I guess I'm more of a tea person.. what do I do with my nespresso?!?! I mean, I like the taste of coffee, so I'll probably make iced coffee out of it or something. About to get anxieties for my midterm.. it's OK. Everyone's on the same boat. Nobody knows what's really going on in that class. I need to call Korea ASAP and also make my advising appointment. I hate phone calls. I need to stop putting it off. I don't really like yoga. It's cool but it's so slow. I like bikram yoga though because it really challenges me and I can actually do the poses too. I wish I could dedicate like an hour to run every single day (if I wasn't so lazy) because for most of the time I really don't have time to work out. It's because I gotta shower and get ready afterwards.. and I hate being chased by time. I really need to do homework and start studying :'( Help, I don't even know how to study anymore -- haha, this always happens during second midterm. Motivation = 0. Stress level = 32523523524.
I made another tumblr/blog for my poetry. I feel like it's a really good way to get my stress out and be creative ?? I dk, I've been getting all these crazy inspirations when I was taking a shower today.. *shower thoughts* Maybe because I'm getting emotional cause I'm gonna get my period soon. Oh well, I really appreciate poetry now! And awkward, my mother wanted me to show her the ones I wrote. Sorry mother, they're kinda personal but I mean, I guess I could show you one of them. I'll be writing more and I'm excited hehe
Sunday, May 3, 2015
not so happy may
Happy May Day 3 (which was not so happy)
- sick
- slept in
- tired
- obsessed over grey's for good 4 hours at least
- got no work done
- mom stressing me out again
- school stressing me out too
- group presentation tomorrow. i don't want to do it esp bc my TA is so critical.
- reading my old tumblr posts made me kind of miss my old self. weird. because i was not happy at all writing those.. but reading them made me kind of almost romanticize about the things i went through.. which is bad. really bad.
- it's always these kind of times when i just feel spiritually dead / halted
- i know god has a plan for me.
- i need to catch up on school work
- all i want to do is watch tv shows and sleep
- one happy thing? that i am alive
spending too much money on food
Happy May Day 2
Sushi and gelato with this gal
she bought me gelato.. I was like what in the world. I swear, people are too kind. I need to hang out with her again so I can buy her gelato next time heh. But honestly, gelato is like the greatest thing ever and it tastes 235235325235 times better than ice cream and froyo to me. I thought I was slightly lactose but my stomach is not upset with gelato?? I don't get it??? but it gets upset when I drink bubble tea and eat Ben&Jerry's???my body is weird??? Anyway, we had a good conversation over good food so our date was success. She's a part french and she has the prettiest eyes I've seen. Crazy how I've known her since last term but never actually got the chance to hang out with her!! I hope that this date was only one of many that we'll have in the future. So bummed that she is (most likely) transferring though. :(
Other things that happened today.. I woke up late, worked out for a bit, ate like a (vegetarian) man, dayquil, kinda worked on my chem presentation (I hate GROUP presentations and I hate chem LAB), and more dayquil cause runny nose.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Happy May
Day 1
I'm starting this thing called Happy May. I will be posting everyday in May (yeah right) and just write about everything and anything daily. And I will try to post picture(s) along with text posts too -- but not for today 'cause I'm lazy.
Today I was just extremely lethargic. I had no energy and just wanted to sleep and lay in bed forever and ever. I think I'm getting sick, actually. Sprrrrrring fever. No. no. no. I need my vitamin C. I talked to friends yesterday and today and it was fun talking to them and stuff after a hard/socially dead week.
Yesterday, I met up with my future roommates and went over some stuff like who's bringing what, cleaning rotations, buying groceries, and etc. Overall, I think it went well -- except that I really want the bigger room, I am a lazy ass person when it comes to cleaning (but we are cleaning every week!!!at least there are 4 people..), and I was not expecting all the "decor" "interior designing" stuff. Although I love interior designing and all that jazz, as a college student, I like to be realistic. I want the cheapest/free stuff, so I do not care about how our apartment is going to look as long as the furnitures (like dining table + chairs and stuff) are sturdy and doing their jobs. I do not care for decorations at all. I am just trying to save as much as possible, and I hope they understand that. And after meeting them, I met up with a friend to catch up and stuff. It was nice but I just see a lot of insensitivity in him and it's kinda frustrating. I know I cannot deal with super emotional people either, but I am emotional myself though I don't show it as much. I wonder if he knows the reason why I didn't go get brunch with our friends was because of my anxieties and stress, not because I simply wanted to go to the gym. I had a lot of emotional stress built up from midterm studying and other stuff, so I wanted to get my shit together and spend time alone reading the bible on a saturday morning, but that got interrupted so I ran off to the gym. but he saw me running to the gym when I told the group that I couldn't go to brunch -- and that just made me look like a selfish person putting gym over friends? I don't even know. I know, it is not a big deal or whatever, but my main point is that I need my alone time. Though I like to hang out with people, I need my space and my time because I become so drained when I am surrounded by people 24/7. Also, it is better when I don't see them as often because when I do, I get irritated by them. Distance is always good.
Today, I met up with another friend and we talked and stuff over some sushi and froyo. It was refreshing to talk to someone who's more liberal and open-minded compared to other people that I've been talking to. I am happy that I met someone like her and I enjoy our conversations a lot 'cause I feel like I can relate to her. I value our friendship and I hope that I can be the kind of person she can go to when she's struggling. And I hope that we can grow together spiritually and strengthen our friendship throughout our college years.
I'm starting this thing called Happy May. I will be posting everyday in May (yeah right) and just write about everything and anything daily. And I will try to post picture(s) along with text posts too -- but not for today 'cause I'm lazy.
Today I was just extremely lethargic. I had no energy and just wanted to sleep and lay in bed forever and ever. I think I'm getting sick, actually. Sprrrrrring fever. No. no. no. I need my vitamin C. I talked to friends yesterday and today and it was fun talking to them and stuff after a hard/socially dead week.
Yesterday, I met up with my future roommates and went over some stuff like who's bringing what, cleaning rotations, buying groceries, and etc. Overall, I think it went well -- except that I really want the bigger room, I am a lazy ass person when it comes to cleaning (but we are cleaning every week!!!at least there are 4 people..), and I was not expecting all the "decor" "interior designing" stuff. Although I love interior designing and all that jazz, as a college student, I like to be realistic. I want the cheapest/free stuff, so I do not care about how our apartment is going to look as long as the furnitures (like dining table + chairs and stuff) are sturdy and doing their jobs. I do not care for decorations at all. I am just trying to save as much as possible, and I hope they understand that. And after meeting them, I met up with a friend to catch up and stuff. It was nice but I just see a lot of insensitivity in him and it's kinda frustrating. I know I cannot deal with super emotional people either, but I am emotional myself though I don't show it as much. I wonder if he knows the reason why I didn't go get brunch with our friends was because of my anxieties and stress, not because I simply wanted to go to the gym. I had a lot of emotional stress built up from midterm studying and other stuff, so I wanted to get my shit together and spend time alone reading the bible on a saturday morning, but that got interrupted so I ran off to the gym. but he saw me running to the gym when I told the group that I couldn't go to brunch -- and that just made me look like a selfish person putting gym over friends? I don't even know. I know, it is not a big deal or whatever, but my main point is that I need my alone time. Though I like to hang out with people, I need my space and my time because I become so drained when I am surrounded by people 24/7. Also, it is better when I don't see them as often because when I do, I get irritated by them. Distance is always good.
Today, I met up with another friend and we talked and stuff over some sushi and froyo. It was refreshing to talk to someone who's more liberal and open-minded compared to other people that I've been talking to. I am happy that I met someone like her and I enjoy our conversations a lot 'cause I feel like I can relate to her. I value our friendship and I hope that I can be the kind of person she can go to when she's struggling. And I hope that we can grow together spiritually and strengthen our friendship throughout our college years.
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