I'm seen as healthy and normal in the U.S., but to my aunt from Korea, I've "gained weight", I have extra fat, I'm chubby, you get the point.
I am fine with my body. I would like to be healthier as in exercising more and eating nutritional foods, but other than that, I'm pretty comfortable in my own body. I have fully functioning legs, arms, fingers, eyes, ears, brain, heart, lungs... I am healthy and alive.
Yet most Korean people are mainly concerned about their appearance more than their health. Is it really worth it to torture your own body to achieve a certain look? Is it really worth it to get that selfish, temporary satisfaction?
Why are you so concerned about your appearance? I know, a leaner and fitter body sometimes indicates health, but it gets out of control to the point where you're obsessed with having a certain type of body. I hope the media will stop promoting that skinny means pretty.
You are worth more than your appearance. Achieving a certain look is merely a temporary satisfaction.
I'm not saying to not exercise / eat healthier to lose weight if you're not comfortable with your body. If you think it'll make you happy, go for it -- but do it with right intentions.
Friday, June 19, 2015
6/19
I've started watching this korean drama "Kill me, Heal me"
I am already on episode 17. Ha.. ha... but this drama is goooood. The storyline is eh but the acting and characters / what they say are so good. I never knew I would be convicted by a drama. Especially this:
"Are you going to suffer alone, by yourself? Then what about us? What do I say to mom who cooks all day for you? What, do you want me to tell her 'she wants to go through this struggle alone so ignore her'? What should I say to dad who sobs in secret because his heart is so torn up because of you? Do you really want me to tell him 'she said she'll deal with this pain by herself so ignore her'? Why do you have to make it so that we can't help you? Why?"
This hits home so hard.
We are wired to store and hide our most painful memory in the deepest part of our brain. I have shared parts of this memory with others but not in detail. It's good to keep the details to self, but when I was sharing, I wasn't concerned about this; I was just afraid to dig it all up. I'm always scared that I will "romanticize the past" or feel like complete shit again. It's good to not bring it all up BUT it's not good that I am scared to face it. Why am I afraid? Why am I afraid to feel that way again? I thought I knew the way out of it? If I escaped from it once, if I know the way out of it now, I should be able to face it now, right?
When I'm ready, I want to reflect on everything in the past. Every single thing. Not a summary of my story. I want a detailed novel.
And
lol my freshman 15 losing thing probs isn't gonna work whatever
I am already on episode 17. Ha.. ha... but this drama is goooood. The storyline is eh but the acting and characters / what they say are so good. I never knew I would be convicted by a drama. Especially this:
"Are you going to suffer alone, by yourself? Then what about us? What do I say to mom who cooks all day for you? What, do you want me to tell her 'she wants to go through this struggle alone so ignore her'? What should I say to dad who sobs in secret because his heart is so torn up because of you? Do you really want me to tell him 'she said she'll deal with this pain by herself so ignore her'? Why do you have to make it so that we can't help you? Why?"
This hits home so hard.
We are wired to store and hide our most painful memory in the deepest part of our brain. I have shared parts of this memory with others but not in detail. It's good to keep the details to self, but when I was sharing, I wasn't concerned about this; I was just afraid to dig it all up. I'm always scared that I will "romanticize the past" or feel like complete shit again. It's good to not bring it all up BUT it's not good that I am scared to face it. Why am I afraid? Why am I afraid to feel that way again? I thought I knew the way out of it? If I escaped from it once, if I know the way out of it now, I should be able to face it now, right?
When I'm ready, I want to reflect on everything in the past. Every single thing. Not a summary of my story. I want a detailed novel.
And
lol my freshman 15 losing thing probs isn't gonna work whatever
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Friday, June 12, 2015
I'm not a vegetarian anymore?
I have been a vegetarian more than a year. I wasn't a perfect vegetarian; I had animal product here and there when my other people would take time and effort to make me something that involved animals. But I would immediately feel guilty and almost feel anxious to consume such thing, so it was hard for me to distinguish if I feared eating meat or if I truly cared about animals. I've concluded that I really am against eating animals -- but some things I can't resist. Vegetarianism is all about trying, not being a "perfect" vegetarian. I crave sushi here and there (because I absolutely love salmon), so I am going to eat it when I really want it. I had it tonight, and I didn't feel so bad about eating it. I haven't had it in a year, so it was so nice to finally eat it -- something I've been craving for awhile. Call me a pescetarian or whatever, but I am still going to identify myself as a vegetarian, as someone who mainly sticks to a plant-based diet. I would never eat meat though because I feel like the texture of cooked meat would be like the texture of my own skin if it were cooked. I genuinely do not like it and I am very against animal farming / slaughterhouses. I know fish industry is pretty bad too, and that is why I am going to limit my intake of salmon. If everyone just participated at least in meatless Mondays or just limited their intake of any animal, this world would be such a better place.
Update: I got a really bad stomachache after eating salmon. Maybe it's not good for me...
Update: I got a really bad stomachache after eating salmon. Maybe it's not good for me...
It's finally Summer!
SO crazy to think that my first year in college is over. I am so incredibly thankful for the people I met and all the ups and downs I had. I don't want to focus on bad things so here are some accomplishments from my first year:
- I refound my faith in February. This is something I will cherish forever.
- In all of my classes I got 97%+ this term except for chem lab (but whatever) and I am really proud of myself for that.
- I told myself I was going to save my GPA after fall term and I did!
- I met my future roommates and some of the most kind-hearted people
- I've changed a lot for the better
There are so many more of little-r accomplishments, but then the list would go on and on...
Overall, I feel so blessed to have had such an amazing time in college.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Loved
It is weird being surrounded by those who actually like me. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am respected, appreciated, valued, and loved. I am not a terrible person after all. I am actually likable. I am friendly. I am kind. I am respected. I am needed.
I am loved.. by so many.
SO many. I never realize how much love I receive from people. My parents, my grandparents, my aunt, my pastor back at home, they all pray for me and hope nothing but the best for me.
It is very hard for me realize and accept the fact that I am loved. I've always had friends and family, but it's not about them -- it's about me. I never understood why people liked me because I hated myself so much. My personality is one of my biggest insecurities, and I have NEVER liked it until this weekend. I know I can have many different "faces" and I hated that because I always thought I had some bipolar or personality disorder. I never knew what my real "face" was, I guess. But all these different faces are me. They make up who I am. I can be kind and gentle. I can be quirky and weird. I can be obnoxious and loud. I can be outgoing and fun. I can be harsh and critical. I can be hilarious and crazy. I can be shy and quiet. I can be passionate and assertive. I can be hardworking and determined. I can be lazy and careless. I can be whatever the heck I want to be -- and that is something I like about myself. I can be me at all times, being all these different things.
It's weird to finally accept myself as who I am
now it's time to try to love myself wholeheartedly.
I am loved.. by so many.
SO many. I never realize how much love I receive from people. My parents, my grandparents, my aunt, my pastor back at home, they all pray for me and hope nothing but the best for me.
It is very hard for me realize and accept the fact that I am loved. I've always had friends and family, but it's not about them -- it's about me. I never understood why people liked me because I hated myself so much. My personality is one of my biggest insecurities, and I have NEVER liked it until this weekend. I know I can have many different "faces" and I hated that because I always thought I had some bipolar or personality disorder. I never knew what my real "face" was, I guess. But all these different faces are me. They make up who I am. I can be kind and gentle. I can be quirky and weird. I can be obnoxious and loud. I can be outgoing and fun. I can be harsh and critical. I can be hilarious and crazy. I can be shy and quiet. I can be passionate and assertive. I can be hardworking and determined. I can be lazy and careless. I can be whatever the heck I want to be -- and that is something I like about myself. I can be me at all times, being all these different things.
It's weird to finally accept myself as who I am
now it's time to try to love myself wholeheartedly.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Sprummer 2015 recap
5/22 - 5/25
Sprummer. It was a stress-free, God-focused weekend that I got to spend with my second family.
I am so thankful for the relationships I've made in college, and I just cannot wait to see what God has in store for all of us.
I was reminded of how God makes all things new and beautiful, and that he ultimately comes before anything. I was kind of having a trouble in my walk as I supported same sex marriage. I know, this is a very controversial topic. But as a Christian, as someone who believes in Christ and his words, I do not support same sex marriage. I'm not going to say that homosexuality is wrong and that you're gonna go to hell for being a homosexual. I'm still going to love you even though I don't believe in something you believe in -- just as how people of different religions get along (Christians and non-Christians for example). In God's timing, it'll all work out for you when you choose to follow him because he gave you free will to choose sin or him. I sound as if I am emphasizing homosexuality as a sin; it is according to the Bible but so are self-hatred, lying, and etc. We sin everyday and everyone sins differently. What I'm trying to say is that we all sin, we are all dirty -- but we are washed and cleaned through Jesus. Enough preaching, yeah? Moving on to another one that I was reminded of this past weekend..
It was amazing to see all of these different people with different struggles come together to worship one God. We were all captivated by some earthly thing(s) but this weekend, we were all captivated by our savior. This again reminded me that God makes beauty out of ashes.
It was a different experience from Theophilus. At Theophilus, I was very emotionally vulnerable as it was only a month after I had become Christian, but at this retreat, I did not feel as vulnerable. It made me realize how far I had come with my faith and how strong I have gotten these past few months. I still cried though 'cause I cry literally during every worship and maybe some sessions at retreats. I thought I was almost healed, but I guess I'm not. Digging up those memories always hurt, and it hurts especially because as time goes on, I'm realizing more things that contributed to my testimony/story.
At this one seminar about the importance of culture, I sat with this one girl to pray together. We prayed for each other, for better relationship with our parents, and for her parents to realize what Christianity is about (as her parents are Catholics). I prayed out loud for us first, then she went second. She stuttered a lot, so I asked her if it was her first time praying out loud and she said it was. I found that super cool because I was in her position once. I encouraged her to practice praying out loud and to journal her prayers and just passed down the wisdom and advices I've received. It was such a heartwarming experience.
And I had a high school senior in my group who is coming to OSU in the fall! It was so nice to talk to her and just give her advices and tell her what college is all about. Again, it was super cool and weird because I was the one who was giving advices to an incoming freshman. And I heard that she is incredibly smart. It's weird because I got a "smart" girl in my small group at Theo too. Through putting these very intelligent girls in my small groups, God is definitely telling me something. I used to always wonder how intelligent people could be Christians or just have religions in general. Seeing them so passionate about Jesus, it really opened my eyes. It doesn't matter how "smart" you are; you can still believe and have faith even if your mind is science-oriented or whatever. Everyone is capable of having faith because God made us that way.
I think I don't want to be a small group leader next time. I think I like leading at Theo is better for me than at our retreats because I actually want to talk and share things with the people in my group. But as a small group leader, I just feel this pressure to just only facilitate the conversation and listen to others.
What else..
I have changed SO much this past year. SO SO SO much. I know a lot of people say that I am different and I believe so too -- though I sometimes don't see it haha. It has come to the point where someone describes me as "gentle and kind". Yea, that's me. Weird, I know. I think my prayers have been working T_T because I always pray for a kind heart so that I can pour love on others just as how God poured love on us. I'm glad someone recognized T_T
Overall, this retreat was such a blessing. It was definitely one of the best weekends! (except for the bug bites) But it's ok!!!!!! I need to get used to bug bites for Korea!!
I am so thankful for the relationships I've made in college, and I just cannot wait to see what God has in store for all of us.
I was reminded of how God makes all things new and beautiful, and that he ultimately comes before anything. I was kind of having a trouble in my walk as I supported same sex marriage. I know, this is a very controversial topic. But as a Christian, as someone who believes in Christ and his words, I do not support same sex marriage. I'm not going to say that homosexuality is wrong and that you're gonna go to hell for being a homosexual. I'm still going to love you even though I don't believe in something you believe in -- just as how people of different religions get along (Christians and non-Christians for example). In God's timing, it'll all work out for you when you choose to follow him because he gave you free will to choose sin or him. I sound as if I am emphasizing homosexuality as a sin; it is according to the Bible but so are self-hatred, lying, and etc. We sin everyday and everyone sins differently. What I'm trying to say is that we all sin, we are all dirty -- but we are washed and cleaned through Jesus. Enough preaching, yeah? Moving on to another one that I was reminded of this past weekend..
It was amazing to see all of these different people with different struggles come together to worship one God. We were all captivated by some earthly thing(s) but this weekend, we were all captivated by our savior. This again reminded me that God makes beauty out of ashes.
It was a different experience from Theophilus. At Theophilus, I was very emotionally vulnerable as it was only a month after I had become Christian, but at this retreat, I did not feel as vulnerable. It made me realize how far I had come with my faith and how strong I have gotten these past few months. I still cried though 'cause I cry literally during every worship and maybe some sessions at retreats. I thought I was almost healed, but I guess I'm not. Digging up those memories always hurt, and it hurts especially because as time goes on, I'm realizing more things that contributed to my testimony/story.
At this one seminar about the importance of culture, I sat with this one girl to pray together. We prayed for each other, for better relationship with our parents, and for her parents to realize what Christianity is about (as her parents are Catholics). I prayed out loud for us first, then she went second. She stuttered a lot, so I asked her if it was her first time praying out loud and she said it was. I found that super cool because I was in her position once. I encouraged her to practice praying out loud and to journal her prayers and just passed down the wisdom and advices I've received. It was such a heartwarming experience.
And I had a high school senior in my group who is coming to OSU in the fall! It was so nice to talk to her and just give her advices and tell her what college is all about. Again, it was super cool and weird because I was the one who was giving advices to an incoming freshman. And I heard that she is incredibly smart. It's weird because I got a "smart" girl in my small group at Theo too. Through putting these very intelligent girls in my small groups, God is definitely telling me something. I used to always wonder how intelligent people could be Christians or just have religions in general. Seeing them so passionate about Jesus, it really opened my eyes. It doesn't matter how "smart" you are; you can still believe and have faith even if your mind is science-oriented or whatever. Everyone is capable of having faith because God made us that way.
I think I don't want to be a small group leader next time. I think I like leading at Theo is better for me than at our retreats because I actually want to talk and share things with the people in my group. But as a small group leader, I just feel this pressure to just only facilitate the conversation and listen to others.
What else..
I have changed SO much this past year. SO SO SO much. I know a lot of people say that I am different and I believe so too -- though I sometimes don't see it haha. It has come to the point where someone describes me as "gentle and kind". Yea, that's me. Weird, I know. I think my prayers have been working T_T because I always pray for a kind heart so that I can pour love on others just as how God poured love on us. I'm glad someone recognized T_T
Overall, this retreat was such a blessing. It was definitely one of the best weekends! (except for the bug bites) But it's ok!!!!!! I need to get used to bug bites for Korea!!
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