6/19

I've started watching this korean drama "Kill me, Heal me"
I am already on episode 17. Ha.. ha... but this drama is goooood. The storyline is eh but the acting and characters / what they say are so good. I never knew I would be convicted by a drama. Especially this:
"Are you going to suffer alone, by yourself? Then what about us? What do I say to mom who cooks all day for you? What, do you want me to tell her 'she wants to go through this struggle alone so ignore her'? What should I say to dad who sobs in secret because his heart is so torn up because of you? Do you really want me to tell him 'she said she'll deal with this pain by herself so ignore her'? Why do you have to make it so that we can't help you? Why?"

This hits home so hard.

We are wired to store and hide our most painful memory in the deepest part of our brain. I have shared parts of this memory with others but not in detail. It's good to keep the details to self, but when I was sharing, I wasn't concerned about this; I was just afraid to dig it all up. I'm always scared that I will "romanticize the past" or feel like complete shit again. It's good to not bring it all up BUT it's not good that I am scared to face it. Why am I afraid? Why am I afraid to feel that way again? I thought I knew the way out of it? If I escaped from it once, if I know the way out of it now, I should be able to face it now, right?
When I'm ready, I want to reflect on everything in the past. Every single thing. Not a summary of my story. I want a detailed novel.

And
lol my freshman 15 losing thing probs isn't gonna work whatever