I talked to my pastor today about my current view on Christianity and how I want to have faith again. I told him that I wanted to be Christian because my family is and I want to see what they see and connect with them spiritually. But then he asked, "why do you really want to believe?" I didn't know how to answer to that. Maybe I was using the whole family thing as an excuse. Maybe there is something more than that I am not aware of right now. He continued, "why do you go to church?" Again, I didn't know how to answer him. I told him because it feels like home to me. I remember when I would dread going to church during my high school days; I would come up with stupid excuses to skip church. I don't do that anymore. Maybe it's because now I want to spend as much time as possible with my family and make them happy? I don't know. It just feels right to go. I have no idea and not being able to explain this is frustrating me so much right now. I asked my pastor many questions and one of them was "Why do non-Christians become Christians?" He said that the common theme that he had recognized of people accepting Christ was that they had felt something missing from their lives and never fully satisfied. Do I feel unsatisfied? I want to believe that I am content with my life -- and I actually kind of am. Do I feel like there is something missing? As of now, no. Am I trying to fill that hole in my heart that only God can fill? Maybe. Maybe I am trying to convince myself that I feel very content with my life because that is the only way I am gonna be able to get through this life. Maybe because my relationship with my family and friends have been better than ever that I do not feel the emptiness. Maybe I am telling myself that I feel whole because I have overcame sufferings myself and so that I don't need God's guidance. But the thing is that I don't feel "whole" or "complete". I am happy, content, and satisfied but not complete. And my pastor said that only way I'll feel complete is through Jesus Christ.
I guess here's my answer to the question:
I want to feel complete.
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