Updates?

• Biology midterm and chemistry midterm DONE. I am hoping for an A on bio and I am kind of disappointed that I didn't get 100% on chemistry when a lot of people probably did. I could have slowed down and thought things through more.
• I think it's the anxiety during test taking that makes me freak out and forget about everything. During bio midterm, I was so calm and at peace, and I did my best on the multiple choice.
• Regular classes are A LOT easier than honors classes. By a lot I mean A LOT. This is why I need to take on research this term especially because everything is easier and I feel like I can handle everything.
• I don't know if it is because I was once a Christian before that makes me easy to get back on track with my faith. I definitely have Christian morals and values and these make it whole a lot easier to be on the path of accepting Jesus. I have 80% accepted God and the bible, but I have not accepted Jesus as God's son/our savior yet. It is going to take a leap of faith to accept him, but I am going to give it a go. 
• A lot of things have been changing in my heart. The more I tell people my story, the easier it gets and more complete it gets.  I have not fully realized my entire story until I was in the process of telling, but I am so glad that I did. Essentially, all my life I was so materialistic and through materialistic and superficial things I tried to fill this "hole" in my heart that could be only filled through God. During my pastor's sermon about that God shaped hole, I tried to see what kind of things I filled the hole other than God, but I could not think of one.  But through telling my story, I realized that I have tried and tried to complete my heart with things such as clothes, appearance, good grades, partying and etc. (which eventually lead to bad things). And as I am writing this, I am realizing that those "bad things" are consequences of continuously trying to fill the hole with something that is not God himself. Now that I have realized all this, I am much more at peace. 
• It took a leap of faith to accept God and the bible but now I have to realize that God loves us all and he sacrificed his son for us. I don't understand that unconditional love so whenever we are worshipping at church, I am always like, I don't really get this concept of love so this worship is kind of weird to me but it feels right and gets me so emotional. 
• I am always so vulnerable at church. It is so weird. I think it is because I think of my family a lot and also the things that led me to falling out of my faith.
• I feel like my whole blog is going to be about Christianity now haha. Well, it's because this is like the only thing I am "working on". This probably is more important than my grades right now to be honest. Sorry mom. But not really sorry because you'd happy that I am doing this.
• I need to finish my essay like right now. I need to finish my homework too. Then I need to work on my scholarship essays tomorrow. I also have to finish my chemistry lab tomorrow too. I have so many things going on (chem lab especially pisses me off) and I am so stressed but I also want to hang out with friends. Struggles. 
• If I get an A on my paper, I will be the happiest person on this planet.. for a day.
• I've been happy for quite long (considering that my happiness usually does not last for long.. at all) so I am scared that something bad will happen. 
• But most importantly, my heart is at peace, and I am happy (even though I am super stressed). 
• I feel so blessed to have met my friends this term. I thought I wouldn't really make any close friends this year, but that obviously has changed. I cannot wait to get even closer to them. 

How do you relationship

Ok. I am not just saying this because I am lonely or whatever. I seriously think I am going to be single for rest of my life. I don't think I will ever be ready for a relationship or even a fling. While my friend was talking about her boy problems and how she is not ready for a relationship, it made me think about my love life. I have never had an actual relationship and never "loved" someone before. I am only 19 and it is perfectly fine that I have never been in a relationship, but it makes me wonder why I never had one. Here are some reasons why I think I never really had a boy friend:

1. Liking someone is scary
2. Trust issues
3. Commitment is scary
4. My heart is never ready
5. I'm not interested in anyone 
6. I have too much going on in my life
7. I am happy alone
8. Maybe high standards? (but trust me, I don't really have that high of standards)
9. Insecurities

I am perfectly content being single, but it's just other people that make me feel lonely as heck sometimes. And it's almost like peer pressure to be in a relationship or to like someone because I'm always the one that doesn't like anyone. 

Well, I got a good enough list going on there so I guess those are the reasons why I'm single. 

I need to study for my midterms but this is just bothering me so much for some reason haha. I don't even know. Maybe there are more reasons.. I think I just need time to think about it and pray about it too. 

Who knew that I would say "I'll pray about it." It's funny because I am gradually? (I don't know if that is the right word) slowly? somehow? starting to accept God. Ok. This is totally off topic but.. I do believe in God. It's just that I have hard time processing that in my head. I still don't believe that Jesus died on the cross for US. I believe there was Jesus, a human being, but I am still quite unsure if he was God's son and who died for our sins. I'm going to read more books about it after midterms are done. I'm actually so excited to read haha. 

Crap. I totally about scholarship essays. 

Crap.

I am trying

to be openminded. I've realized that I was an atheist and did not want to do anything associated with religions. My humanities paper from last year was basically from an atheist's point of view and this whole time I thought I were just agnostic. Well here is something that totally invalidates my argument in my paper last year:

“Religious belief is too culturally and historically conditioned to be ‘truth.’ ”

When I first came to New York City nearly twenty years ago, I more often heard the objection that all religions are equally true. Now, however, I’m more likely to be told that all religions are equally false. The objection goes like this: “All moral and spiritual claims are the product of our particular historical and cultural moment, and therefore no one should claim they can know the Truth, since no one can judge whether one assertion about spiritual and moral reality is truer than another.” The sociologist Peter L. Berger reveals the serious inconsistency in this common assumption.

In his book A Rumor of Angels Berger recounts how the twentieth century had uncovered “the sociology of knowledge,” namely that people believe what they do largely because they are socially conditioned to do so. We like to think that we think for ourselves, but it is not that simple. We think like the people we most admire and need. Everyone belongs to a community that reinforces the plausibility of some beliefs and discourages others. Berger notes that many have concluded from this fact that, be- cause we are all locked into our historical and cultural locations, it is impossible to judge the rightness or wrongness of competing beliefs.
Berger goes on, however, to point out that absolute relativism can only exist if the relativists exempt themselves from their own razor.9 If you infer from the social conditionedness of all belief that “no belief can be held as universally true for everyone,” that itself is a comprehensive claim about everyone that is the product of social conditions—so it cannot be true, on its own terms. “Relativity relativizes itself,” says Berger, so we can’t have relativ- ism “all the way down.”10 Our cultural biases make weighing com- peting truth-claims harder, yes. The social conditionedness of belief is a fact, but it cannot be used to argue that all truth is completely relative or else the very argument refutes itself. Berger concludes that we cannot avoid weighing spiritual and religious claims by hiding behind the cliché that “there’s no way to know the Truth.” We must still do the hard work of asking: which affirmations about God, human nature, and spiritual reality are true and which are false? We will have to base our life on some answer to that question.

The philosopher Alvin Plantinga has his own version of Berg- er’s argument. People often say to him, “If you were born in Mo- rocco, you wouldn’t even be a Christian, but rather a Muslim.” He responds:
Suppose we concede that if I had been born of Muslim parents in Morocco rather than Christian parents in Michigan, my beliefs would have been quite different. [But] the same goes for the pluralist. . . . If the pluralist had been born in [Morocco] he probably wouldn’t be a pluralist. Does it follow that . . . his pluralist beliefs are produced in him by an unreliable belief- producing process?11
Plantinga and Berger make the same point. You can’t say, “All claims about religions are historically conditioned except the one I am making right now.” If you insist that no one can determine which beliefs are right and wrong, why should we believe what you are saying? The reality is that we all make truth-claims of some sort and it is very hard to weigh them responsibly, but we have no alternative but to try to do so. 

from The Reason for God Belief in an Age of Skepticism by Timothy Keller 

Happy

I have not been this happy in awhile.
I just wanted to make a note of this. :)

My heart is overflowing with joy and happiness and it's like nothing major happened to me, but I don't even know. I mean of course I was happy during winter break, but this feels like more of complete joy. I feel so content.

And I'm listening to Arctic Monkeys and doing my homework.

:)

I want to explore

I want to travel.

Why does it have to cost so much to go around the world?! Why can't I just experience other cultures and go to cool places in different countries for free?! WHY.

I want to get out and explore the world, but why the hell is it not free.
Why does everything have to be so expensive nowadays especially airplane tickets.

And I need to work and save up too.. which reminds me... I should look up research opportunities...
BUT I WANT TO TRAVEL FIRST.
I WANT TO GO TO GREECE AND TURKEY.
I've ALWAYS wanted to go to Greece (Athens and Santorini) thanks to Greek myth and my mom for showing me pictures of Santorini, and I've recently fell in love with Turkey. I WANT TO GO.
It is at least $3400 with a tour guide -- which I should get because I'm gonna have no idea how to get to anywhere. That means I have to save at least 1000 starting now until Spring break but I doubt that I'm gonna be able to since I am not working (UgghhHHHhhh).

Why do you want to believe?

I talked to my pastor today about my current view on Christianity and how I want to have faith again.  I told him that I wanted to be Christian because my family is and I want to see what they see and connect with them spiritually. But then he asked, "why do you really want to believe?" I didn't know how to answer to that. Maybe I was using the whole family thing as an excuse. Maybe there is something more than that I am not aware of right now. He continued, "why do you go to church?" Again, I didn't know how to answer him. I told him because it feels like home to me. I remember when I would dread going to church during my high school days; I would come up with stupid excuses to skip church. I don't do that anymore. Maybe it's because now I want to spend as much time as possible with my family and make them happy? I don't know. It just feels right to go. I have no idea and not being able to explain this is frustrating me so much right now. I asked my pastor many questions and one of them was "Why do non-Christians become Christians?" He said that the common theme that he had recognized of people accepting Christ was that they had felt something missing from their lives and never fully satisfied. Do I feel unsatisfied? I want to believe that I am content with my life -- and I actually kind of am. Do I feel like there is something missing? As of now, no. Am I trying to fill that hole in my heart that only God can fill? Maybe. Maybe I am trying to convince myself that I feel very content with my life because that is the only way I am gonna be able to get through this life. Maybe because my relationship with my family and friends have been better than ever that I do not feel the emptiness. Maybe I am telling myself that I feel whole because I have overcame sufferings myself and so that I don't need God's guidance.  But the thing is that I don't feel "whole" or "complete". I am happy, content, and satisfied but not complete. And my pastor said that only way I'll feel complete is through Jesus Christ.

I guess here's my answer to the question:
I want to feel complete.

Confidence

I thought I stopped caring about what people thought about me, but I never did.
I've always thought that my insecurity was just a part of my personality, but it wasn't.
My self-esteem was always low because I picked at every flaw that people might notice.
I was scared that they would see what I see.

But
why do their opinions matter?
Why do I care what they think of me?
Why do I care if they notice my crooked smile and uneven eyelids?
Why do I care if they don't like my personality?
Why do I care if they are judging me by the way I talk? the way I dress? the way I am?
I do NOT need to care.
I am the main character in my story. I am the most important one in my life.
I do not live to please others.
I am my own unique person and I deserve to be myself and live my life the way I want to.

And
learn how to love myself.
I cannot always live in fear of people seeing what I don't like about myself.
Let them see I like about myself.
I will shower myself with love and they will see.

Recap of 2014 and new year's resolutions

2014 the year of:
college applications, graduating high school, starting college, separating from my closest friends, research papers, sort of realizing what I am capable of, really appreciating my parents and having home, imperfect balancing, all nighter papers, being comfortable with my no makeup face in public, hair damage (again), hulu, netflix, finding my love for New Girl, new experiences, falling in love with HAWAII, discovering my love for hiking and exploring, vegetarianism, my first tattoo, pints of Ben & Jerry's, amazon prime, and what else..
2014 was just a blur to me. It is still crazy to me that I graduated high school "last" year. It feels like it was 2 or 3 years ago. Everything happened so quickly and I don't even know. Nothing particular really happened except that I started college but that doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. I don't know. I'm growing up and still learning who I am, what I am capable of, and what I want to do in the future. I just hope 2015 will be a memorable one and I hope I'll be more mature by the end of the year  haha.

Resolutions:
1. Use that brain of mine to do something productive and meaningful like research or something.
2. Try to write all the random thoughts that pop up in my head throughout the day.
3. Adventure more. Hiking. Camping. Traveling.
4. Be optimistic.
5. Figure out who I am (cheesy as hell but I need to). I can be so many different people but try to pin point my personality as a whole (ok that's not possible but ugh). I don't know. It's just that I don't really know what I'm like so I can't really "be myself" and show "my true self" to others. I want to be the SAME person to everyone. I don't want people to see different parts of me; I want them to see me as a whole.
6. Balancing school and fun is important, but remember how screwed up my GPA is. Keep my grades up. All A's and I mean it. Work really hard so that I won't regret it.
7. Take a class that I'm interested in. I can always S/U it if it is difficult.
8. Make money.
9. Use the planner.
10. DON'T SKIP CLASSES IN A ROW. JUST DON'T SKIP ANY UNLESS I AM SICK/REALLYREALLYREALLY TIRED.
11. Go to the library OFTEN and study there. Get a study buddy to so they can watch my stuff when I have to go pee.
12. Run. run. run. Go to the gym. Also do some ab workouts, HITT, squats, and other strength exercises.
13. Drink A LOT of water.
14. Use my nespresso!
15. Be less insecure. Be comfortable in my own body and be proud of who I am. Tell myself that I am an awesome human being and there are people in this world that love me so there's a great possibility that there are more people out there who will also love me.
16. Connect with people. Go out of my way and ask them out on a coffee date or something. Step out of my comfort zone. I am going to need to interact with more people later on so why not start practicing.
17. Job shadow more. Find what I am really interested in and passionate about.
18. Use my dining dollars.
19. Practice my cello and join the orchestra.
20. Dress up more. I have clothes for a reason.
21. Actually try to wear makeup too. I don't need it but it definitely is a confidence booster.
22. Use my school resources. After all, I am paying for it.
23. Love myself. This year will be finally the year that I learn to love every part of myself completely.