Why do you want to believe?

I talked to my pastor today about my current view on Christianity and how I want to have faith again.  I told him that I wanted to be Christian because my family is and I want to see what they see and connect with them spiritually. But then he asked, "why do you really want to believe?" I didn't know how to answer to that. Maybe I was using the whole family thing as an excuse. Maybe there is something more than that I am not aware of right now. He continued, "why do you go to church?" Again, I didn't know how to answer him. I told him because it feels like home to me. I remember when I would dread going to church during my high school days; I would come up with stupid excuses to skip church. I don't do that anymore. Maybe it's because now I want to spend as much time as possible with my family and make them happy? I don't know. It just feels right to go. I have no idea and not being able to explain this is frustrating me so much right now. I asked my pastor many questions and one of them was "Why do non-Christians become Christians?" He said that the common theme that he had recognized of people accepting Christ was that they had felt something missing from their lives and never fully satisfied. Do I feel unsatisfied? I want to believe that I am content with my life -- and I actually kind of am. Do I feel like there is something missing? As of now, no. Am I trying to fill that hole in my heart that only God can fill? Maybe. Maybe I am trying to convince myself that I feel very content with my life because that is the only way I am gonna be able to get through this life. Maybe because my relationship with my family and friends have been better than ever that I do not feel the emptiness. Maybe I am telling myself that I feel whole because I have overcame sufferings myself and so that I don't need God's guidance.  But the thing is that I don't feel "whole" or "complete". I am happy, content, and satisfied but not complete. And my pastor said that only way I'll feel complete is through Jesus Christ.

I guess here's my answer to the question:
I want to feel complete.

Confidence

I thought I stopped caring about what people thought about me, but I never did.
I've always thought that my insecurity was just a part of my personality, but it wasn't.
My self-esteem was always low because I picked at every flaw that people might notice.
I was scared that they would see what I see.

But
why do their opinions matter?
Why do I care what they think of me?
Why do I care if they notice my crooked smile and uneven eyelids?
Why do I care if they don't like my personality?
Why do I care if they are judging me by the way I talk? the way I dress? the way I am?
I do NOT need to care.
I am the main character in my story. I am the most important one in my life.
I do not live to please others.
I am my own unique person and I deserve to be myself and live my life the way I want to.

And
learn how to love myself.
I cannot always live in fear of people seeing what I don't like about myself.
Let them see I like about myself.
I will shower myself with love and they will see.

Recap of 2014 and new year's resolutions

2014 the year of:
college applications, graduating high school, starting college, separating from my closest friends, research papers, sort of realizing what I am capable of, really appreciating my parents and having home, imperfect balancing, all nighter papers, being comfortable with my no makeup face in public, hair damage (again), hulu, netflix, finding my love for New Girl, new experiences, falling in love with HAWAII, discovering my love for hiking and exploring, vegetarianism, my first tattoo, pints of Ben & Jerry's, amazon prime, and what else..
2014 was just a blur to me. It is still crazy to me that I graduated high school "last" year. It feels like it was 2 or 3 years ago. Everything happened so quickly and I don't even know. Nothing particular really happened except that I started college but that doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. I don't know. I'm growing up and still learning who I am, what I am capable of, and what I want to do in the future. I just hope 2015 will be a memorable one and I hope I'll be more mature by the end of the year  haha.

Resolutions:
1. Use that brain of mine to do something productive and meaningful like research or something.
2. Try to write all the random thoughts that pop up in my head throughout the day.
3. Adventure more. Hiking. Camping. Traveling.
4. Be optimistic.
5. Figure out who I am (cheesy as hell but I need to). I can be so many different people but try to pin point my personality as a whole (ok that's not possible but ugh). I don't know. It's just that I don't really know what I'm like so I can't really "be myself" and show "my true self" to others. I want to be the SAME person to everyone. I don't want people to see different parts of me; I want them to see me as a whole.
6. Balancing school and fun is important, but remember how screwed up my GPA is. Keep my grades up. All A's and I mean it. Work really hard so that I won't regret it.
7. Take a class that I'm interested in. I can always S/U it if it is difficult.
8. Make money.
9. Use the planner.
10. DON'T SKIP CLASSES IN A ROW. JUST DON'T SKIP ANY UNLESS I AM SICK/REALLYREALLYREALLY TIRED.
11. Go to the library OFTEN and study there. Get a study buddy to so they can watch my stuff when I have to go pee.
12. Run. run. run. Go to the gym. Also do some ab workouts, HITT, squats, and other strength exercises.
13. Drink A LOT of water.
14. Use my nespresso!
15. Be less insecure. Be comfortable in my own body and be proud of who I am. Tell myself that I am an awesome human being and there are people in this world that love me so there's a great possibility that there are more people out there who will also love me.
16. Connect with people. Go out of my way and ask them out on a coffee date or something. Step out of my comfort zone. I am going to need to interact with more people later on so why not start practicing.
17. Job shadow more. Find what I am really interested in and passionate about.
18. Use my dining dollars.
19. Practice my cello and join the orchestra.
20. Dress up more. I have clothes for a reason.
21. Actually try to wear makeup too. I don't need it but it definitely is a confidence booster.
22. Use my school resources. After all, I am paying for it.
23. Love myself. This year will be finally the year that I learn to love every part of myself completely.

Kpop & Joe Hisaishi appreciation post

(Kpop) Sick enough to die - Mc mong

I was kind of obsessed with this in middle school. Too bad Mc Mong was pretty much banned from public appearance for awhile because he pulled out his own teeth or something because he didn't want to be drafted. 

Merry go round - Joe Hisaishi 

(from Howl's moving castle)

I am forever in love with this. I have listened to this honestly more than 100 times and played on piano many times and haven't gotten sick of it. This is probably my favorite piece of all time.

(Kpop) The girl who can't break up the guy who can't leave - Lee ssang

This was on my dad's CD and I was like oh eargasm when I first heard it and yea loved it ever since. But they overplayed it on like Korean tv shows and stuff so I kinda got sick of it but I listen to it once in awhile.

Journey (Dream of Flight) - Joe Hisaishi

(from The Wind Rises)

 I tear up every time I listen to this. THE FEELS. WATCH THE MOVIE. I RECOMMEND 100% AND I EVEN WROTE A REVIEW ON IT.

(Kpop) Angel - Yoon Mi Rae

This is what inspired me to blog this appreciation post. I feel like this is too kpopy for yoon mi rae but I still think it's good. I came across this song during a korean tv show and I was like whoa I thought kpop was all about idols and their weird dance music but I guess not.

Umbrella - Epik High

This one gives me feels. I came across this through tumblr years ago and cried listening to it.

what I learned my first semester of freshman year in college

1. It is ok to screw up your grades. By this, I do not mean failing all of your classes. Doing worse than how you normally do is totally fine. You are getting used to college and figuring out your routine so it is alright. Plus, college exams are way harder! It is not unbearable but you have to study for it which relates to the next thing I learned..
2. Study. Like actually study. You know those easy classes that you have like health and communications or something like that? Yeah, you gotta study for those too. Crazy, right? Getting good grades in those classes will bump your grades up and they are supposed to be "easy" A's compared to your major classes so study and actually get that A! I made a mistake only focusing on my hard classes, which totally screwed me over. Yea, in college, you have to study for everything.
3. Be on top of your things. Have a planner. Actually use your planner. I have this bad habit of not actually writing down things on my planner so that was kinda bad too. If you're too lazy to pull out your planner, write your to do list on your hand or a sticky note. That saved me a lot. Also, syllabus. Checking your syllabus is always good and make sure to write down your exam dates and places for your finals!
4. Do not be a lazy bum. Get out there and use your resources. You are in college surrounded by endless opportunities and possibilities! You are paying for it after all so why not make the best out of it? Go talk to your professor, your TAs, look for jobs, research opportunity, internship, join clubs you're interested in, and so much more. My school has this building where you get to do crafts and mind spa and get massages when you're stressed so definitely do that too. And use their mini hospital too because you are paying for it after all. I think I am going to go to a nutritionist next term to have her get me a vegetarian/vegan meal plan because why the heck not? I might not be getting enough vitamins or something so seeing a nutritionist would be perfect.
5. Party all you want (to a certain limit please don't go super crazy though) your first semester. You are going to want to party and oh yes, it is fun. But after a while, you kind of get sick of it and some of you might find that partying is not your thing which is totally fine. If you don't party now, you might not be able to party all that much later on because if you are completely serious about your college career, you are going to have to REALLY focus on academics. And what's college without partying experience?!
6. Find a routine that suits you the best. First two weeks of college, I was determined to make everything right, get perfect grades and make perfect friends, but this stressed me out so much. It was not healthy for me. I kind of just went with the flow later on, having fun, enjoying my time, not stressing out too much about everything, and my life suddenly got better. Yes, grades are important and making the right friends is important too, but stressing out to make everything perfect is not healthy for you. If you are a perfectionist like me, please do not make the same mistake that I did.
7. You will appreciate your family whole a lot more when you go back home. I've always loved my family, but my eyes almost got teary when I saw them the first time I went back home. It was a part because I had such a hard time adjusting first few weeks, but I have no idea why but I just missed home.
8. Don't take hard classes your first semester of college. Yeah, please don't unless you don't really care about getting a 4.0.
9. Eat in your dining halls more. I thought I would actually run out of my dining dollars because I got the most basic plan, but I had a lot of money left.
10. Eat actual meals instead of snacking all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and have breakfast!!! If you don't have breakfast, you'll be more likely to eat a pint of ice cream every night for two weeks. :) Just saying.
11. Go to the gym or take classes. First two months, I went to the gym maybe like three times a week, but the last month, I probably went to the gym only once or twice because I hate walking to the gym! It is so darn cold. But working out gives you endorphins and "the only workout you'll regret doing is the one that you didn't do." I also love cycling classes but my butt always hurts afterwards so there's that. And I've learned to love running!.. which I've been meaning to do during break but it is so cold..
12. Take A LOT of pictures!!! You're a freshman in college only once in your lifetime, so make sure to snap all your moments!
13. Don't stress out. Everything will workout eventually. You have been through so much already and college is nothing compared to all the things you've been through. It's just another step in your life. And you will eventually meet great people. It may take some time, but it'll all work out. So just be patient and continue to be yourself and get yourself out there.



This was kind of an advice for myself for next term too. Haha.

11/25

I love home. I am thankful that I always have a place and family to go back to. I truly appreciate what my parents have done for me and the unconditional love they give me. I feel nothing but love when I am here.

Today I ate an animal in four months after becoming officially a vegetarian. I debated on whether to have it or not, because I knew I wouldn't die from having one but it surely did not feel right to do so. But it was something that my dad prepared for me. He was so excited to have dinner as a family all together and got really excited to cook for me. I felt that it was rude to not even have one bite of it so I did eat it. I think I am finally going to tell my parents that I am a vegetarian soon, and I hope that they'd be supportive in my decision.
My mother talked to me earlier how it was cruel to wear/buy something that was filled with duck feather and made with leather. Well, isn't it also cruel to eat them? If we can survive without eating them, why do we?

Christianity is still a question for me. I have Christian values and morals for the most part, but I don't have faith -- and faith is what you absolutely need to be a Christian. I just don't believe in the bible because there are a lot of controversies surrounding the stories in it, and I personally don't agree with some aspects in it. And I feel like Christianity is just a loving community. I have cried before when someone prayed for me, but I am not sure if it was God's work or if it was that person's sympathy and recognition of my pain that I needed. I cannot force myself to believe in something that I don't have faith in, but I really do want to be a Christian. I want to be able to see what my family sees. I want to be able to connect with them spiritually too. But I don't know if I'll actually become a Christian if I actively want to be a Christian to fit in with my family. I don't know.

balance

My tumblr post from earlier in the month and saving it on here because I really like it and I need to constantly remind myself of this:

It’s honestly so weird being able to be care less and be more free, going with the flow, and taking it easy. The first few weeks of college was really hard for me, because the perfectionist side of me wanted to do well in every aspect of college life. I wanted the very best grades, social life, and I had it planned it all out how I’m going to balance everything out. Boy, I was wrong. Balance is NOT about planning; it is about going with the flow, making mistakes, fixing them, being unbalanced, and balanced again. Balance is not about perfectionism; it is about being imperfect in everything, but finding beauty and happiness in having imperfections in everything. I thought I knew what maintaining “balance” meant because I even got that as my tattoo, haha. But really, balance is the key to happiness. 

Take it easy. Let life just take you. Everything is going to be ok.