August 23

Hawaii day 2!

- woke up early to go ocean snorkeling

- super duper fun and the view from the catamaran was amazing as well

- catamaran ride was really fun too. it was really fast so the water splashed all over

- we went dolphin watching first

- we first wanted to swim with the dolphins (not in the sea), but my mother and I now am against caging animals for people pleasure so we didn't do that. Also, we were thinking about swimming with the dolphins IN the sea, but it's not allowed / discouraged, so we decided to just go with dolphin watching.

- later when we were heading back to the island, the dolphins swam beside us (the catamaran) so that was really cool. and this picture was taken then.

- snorkeling fuuuuun

-we saw many many fish and we also saw a TURTLE!!!!! A BIG ONE!!! I didn't get to take a picture because our camera had some problem but ugh, it was so gorgeous.  We also saw a turtle at Hanauma Bay but again, no pictures. I'm so bummed that I didn't get to take a picture of them!

- my brother kept following the turtle 

- the guide was pretty cute

- lunch served. I was craving macaroni salad and this totally satisfied my craving.

- this was the first time i had purple sweet potatoes and i fucking fell in love.

- headed back to the hotel and swam in the lagoon + pools again.

- yeah, i kind of love my Triangl bikini.

We went to infamous Marukame Udon for dinner. 

My brother was throwing up outside the entire dinner, but other than that, I was in heaven. I had the salad udon and it was so amazing and the tempura was amazing as well. I love Japanese food.

Everyone was super tired by the end of the day so we all just knocked out.

August 22

- I got about an hour of sleep

- my brother threw up because he was too excited

- we headed out around 4:20am 

- brother threw up on the plane. he's sick because he's too excited I guess.

As you can see, he's all tired from throwing up on the plane. He felt sick pretty much the whole trip but not really at Disney because he was too busy playing. Anyway, we arrived at 10:30am Hawaii time.

-rented a car and checked in at Hilton hotel. It is Hilton "village" so there are shops and multiple buildings that makes it seem like a hotel village.

-went to a korean restaurant to eat lunch (this was the only korean restaurant we went to thank god)

went back to the hotel and played in the lagoon with my brother. It was pretty cold because it was all cloudy / showering here and there but it was fun.

Fireworks before we headed out to dinner!

(picture was taken on the last day I visited this place)

We ate at this place. It's like a japanese food court and everything is so amazing there. This is probably one of the things I miss the most about Hawaii.

I felt like I was in Japan. Everyone was speaking Japanese to me and I understood like few words. Not gonna lie, I felt pretty amazing for understanding few words hahahahaha.

We went to sleep early because we were going ocean snorkeling the next day! I was super excited and thank goodness to three hour difference in time, I could fall asleep early around 9pm Hawaii time (which is 12am here).

Overcoming (teenage) depression

Depression is ugly and vicious. You probably won't realize that you have a problem until it takes control of your life because it kills you slowly and quietly. Although I'm neither a doctor nor a depression survivor that was clinically diagnosed with it, I know for a fact that I had a very dark time in my life when there was not a day I didn't cry, throw a fit, think of unpleasant things, and etc. I feel like it was my hormonal imbalance as a teenager that caused me to go through this depression, combining with my volatile personality and other problems that I had.

This is a post about how I overcame my own struggles (and suggestions of how to overcome it). I am writing this to remind myself that I am happy. I am writing this for my future self, in case I fall back into the pit again. I am writing this for my own good.

• You do not have to be "clinically depressed" to be depressed. You do not have to be "depressed enough" to be depressed. When you are depressed, you are depressed. 
• Talk about what makes you sad and angry with the one you trust. Do not hold anything back. Let it all out and cry in their arms. Get a therapist / talk to a counselor if you need to. Mental health is as important as or even more important than your physical health. 
• Practice talking about your feelings. Do not bottle up anything. You'll feel empty afterwards, but trust me, it's better than letting it rot inside of you.
• Go out of your comfort zone often. It is scary, but it is so worth it. 
• Interact with people. I know that people wear you out sometimes and it is scary for you to meet new people, but surprisingly, they sometimes make you happy too. Be around them and absorb all their good energy.
• Go outside. Don't stay home all day crying about your (not so) miserable life. Get out there and just go explore different places or just go shopping. Just don't stay inside all day.
• Hang out with your family more often. They love you no matter what. 
• Remember that you are not a failure. You have all these years in front of you and you can change anything you want to. You made a mistake? a huge one? so what? life goes on.
• Have hope. I know it's a silly thing to tell someone to have hope when she/he is going through depression, so let me phrase it differently. It's not the end of the world. If you end your life now, imagine how many things you won't be able to do and accomplish. You have a tomorrow to look forward to; give yourself another chance -- even if you don't think you deserve one. 
• What if you were your own daughter? Would you want your daughter to hate every single inch of herself? Would you want your daughter to kill herself? 
• Time will heal everything. Just be patient.
• You are not a disappointment. You live for yourself and nobody else.
• And it's ok to be depressed. No, you're not a burden because you are depressed. It is not your fault that you're struggling. Remember that you're not a disappointment because you are depressed. Just take small steps to improve your mental health for yourself, not because you don't want to be a burden. You are incredible no matter what your depression says to you.

After going through such struggles, I started having passion for life. I want to live so desperately. Though life has its shitty moments, those moments all pass, and you'll eventually forget about them because you'll be awestruck by how beautiful life is. I am incredibly grateful that I am alive, and honestly, if it weren't for my stupid depression, I wouldn't be this grateful. 

I don't blame life for having me suffer in the past since it made me appreciate everything so much more, and it made me stronger than ever. Yea. Love ya, life.

The most beautiful movie I've ever watched

The Wind Rises

This is one of the greatest movies I've seen. 

I've been meaning to watch it for awhile, but the plot seemed boring to me because it is about a boy who achieves his dream of becoming an aviation engineer/airplane designer. This movie, however, is SO much more than that. Yeah of course, it includes tragic love story which left me crying even after the movie, but the boy's journey in achieving his dream is a lot more complex and intriguing than just "oh i have a dream and i am gonna achieve it like disney style." Also, through this movie, Miyazaki shows his perspectives on war (WWII) and life itself, and he portrays everything in this animation movie SO realistically that it is unrealistic how realistic it is. I cannot stress enough how well he captured the beauty of everyday simple life, the boy's passionate dream, and love between the young couple. 

"The wind is rising, we must try to live."

I am incredibly disappointed that this movie was not as popular as My Neighbor Totoro. Maybe it wasn't because it is not a children's movie, but it was far more meaningful and amazing than Totoro. The plot and the soundtrack was not as dramatic as Howl's Moving Castle, but the storyline was much easier to follow, and it was so realistic that it touched my heart. I am still tearing up from thinking about the plot and everything. The movie is so well made and flawless. I wish the soundtrack was a bit more dynamic, but the neutrality of it fits the theme of the movie. So I'm not complaining. 

It is rated 8/10 but 9235872395/10 in my heart and it is a million times better than Frozen so please watch it if you have a heart that this movie can touch. 

The boy is named Jiro Horikoshi, who is known as the man who built Zero Fighter that bombed Pearl Harbor. The movie is a fictionalized life story of him, but he had always wanted to build a beautiful airplane (not necessarily a war craft), and I believe Miyazaki portrayed Jiro's passion and dedication for his dream very well.  

Miyazaki: “My wife and staff would ask me, ‘Why make a story about a man who made weapons of war?’ And I thought they were right. But one day, I heard that Horikoshi had once murmured, ‘All I wanted to do was to make something beautiful.’ And then I knew I’d found my subject… Horikoshi was the most gifted man of his time in Japan. He wasn’t thinking about weapons… Really, all he desired was to make exquisite planes.”

What I learned past six years

Dear brother,

The moment you enter middle school, your life will change. It was past six years that had a significant impact on my life. It was these six years that shaped me and made me who I am today. Believe it or not, you will dramatically change over the years even if you don't notice it, but I promise you, when you look back after these six years (seven years for you), you will be surprised at how much you've matured and changed for the better, hopefully. I know, I'm making it sound like middle school and high school are the most important time of your life. It will be, but it also will not be.

I thought these years were the longest time of my life. Looking back at them now, they were nothing. They were only a fraction of my (hopefully long) existence. I have these great numbers of years of future ahead of me, multiples of middle school and high school years combined -- silly of me, I thought I wouldn't even make it this far. What I'm trying to tell you is that you'll feel like these seven years ahead of you will determine your entire life and permanently change your path in life. You'll feel like the world only revolves around these adolescent years. I'm here to tell you that no, middle school and high school will not do anything to how you want your life to be like in the future. They are nothing.

In middle school, I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be like everyone else; I wanted to escape from my immigrant identity. In high school, I spent countless days crying at night because of stress, pressure, college, insecurity, and that god damn perfectionism. Yeah, school is important, and you do need to keep your grades up and do well on your standardized tests if you want to go to college and achieve your goals. But please have fun. Find the balance between studying and social life. For college, it doesn't matter if you do or don't get into Harvard. Getting into Harvard doesn't mean you are a better person. Just do your best. I mean it, do your best at everything. Be the most resilient person, not smart, and follow your dream. I didn't say "be" the best at everything though -- this will only lead you to depression. I made a mistake wanting to be perfect at everything, and as you kind of know, it ruined me. Please don't make that mistake. Please don't. Try your hardest and do your best. You don't have to try to be perfect because you already are. And when mom compares you to other kids, ignore her or tell her to her face that what she's doing is disrespectful and that that also ruined your sister and maybe she'll stop. Don't take her criticisms to your heart, because you are fabulous.

I made a mistake thinking that these years were all there was to life. They were only six years.
These years will not dramatically your life but you yourself.
Enjoy every single day of your middle school and high school years, make good friends, try your hardest, have fun, and tell me that you've had the best seven years of your life at your graduation.

And remember, mom, dad, and I love you no matter what.

Love,
Your big sister

bliss

Day 38

I woke up at 7:30am today and stayed in bed for two hours, tumblring and youtubing, and finally got up to look out the window to see how much it snowed overnight. When I went downstairs, my brother was putting on his snow gears, all excited to play in the snow,  and my mother was still in bed, on her iPad, booking plane tickets for my grandparents. And I guess my stomach couldn't handle being empty for two hours. It started growling really loud, so I made myself nice warm oatmeal.
It's these little things that make you really happy. It's these little things that you appreciate the most -- waking up in your cozy bed, waking up to your loving family, and having warm breakfast on a snowy day. I was in complete bliss this morning as you can probably tell, but I haven't felt this happy in awhile. It's the little things. It really is.

You can see my little snowman!

Around noon, I finally had energy to get up and shovel our driveway (which is completely covered in snow again because it started snowing again). I didn't want to go outside at all today because I hate cold weather, but this is like once in two years kinda thing, so I decided to go out and jump in the snow. It snowed about 5 inches? It probably snowed a lot more by now (it's almost 9pm). After shoveling, I figured that I should probably play in the snow because I was already in the cold (so screw cold weather) and what kid doesn't like to play in the snow?! ..wait, I'm an adult. Hahaha. Anywho, I built a snowman, which my brother ruined after I came back in the house. After all that playing in the snow, I "made" boxed chicken noodle soup from Trader Joe's for my brother and me. It tasted so good after playing in the cold. :') I might shovel our drive way again in an hour or so.
_____

So now it's 12:41am and yes, I shoveled our driveway again. After the hard work, I decided to take a walk because it was so pretty and calm outside. While I was taking my walk and enjoying my alone time, my brother just had to come out and join me. Sigh. But we played snowball fight and it was fun, so I guess after all it wasn't all that bad.

Now I'm just relaxing and watching itsJudyslife's blog. Gooooooodnight!