Going back to reality

3.26.15

had 16 hours of sleep which was glorious. but it totally ruined my plan of having an eventful sunny day. i did absolutely nothing today except eating and being lazy. it's nice to unwind and just have a completely relaxing day, but when i don't keep myself occupied, i get so stressed out. yeah, weird. it's like i'm being chased by time, which i am since spring break is almost over. and this laziness is making me annoyed at the littlest things (if that makes any sense) and the fact that my mom and i are both sick is not helping. i just want to sleep forever and be alone rather than spending time with my family or friends. i don't want to ignore or be rude to any of them, but i really can't help it right now. 

I watched the movie "Her" today. The color scheme of the film was beautiful, and that was about it. I know that the ratings are good and I can see why they would be, but I personally did not find the movie very captivating. Maybe it's because I couldn't relate to it or could relate to it a little too much. I don't know. Theodore falls in love with a computer program. Yea, many fell in love with the program as it spoke, thought, and "felt" like a human being. But it wasn't just because of that for Theodore; he was in such a vulnerable state of loneliness. He had recently gotten divorced, still loved his ex wife, and it was like he just desperately needed someone to be a little ray of sunshine in his life. As he mentions, he needed someone who was so enthusiastic about life. When Samantha (the program) left, he was left "heartbroken" but I feel like he was more sad about losing a company rather than brokenhearted. I don't know, that is just my interpretation. The movie kinda reminds me of Eternal Sunshine, but Eternal Sunshine is way more dynamic than this movie, and I like dynamic movies so yeah. 

And I need to remember that I need to have a healthy relationship with myself. I am constantly disappointed at myself, I stress myself out, and I dislike everything that I am. I need to love and appreciate the person that God made me to be.

Blessed

I am so glad and happy that I went to Theophilus. It was rejuvenating, and I feel like I really needed the passionate worship to stop being a lukewarm Christian that I was; through this experience, I have learned to give my all to my God.
I was blessed with such kindhearted and wise seventh grade ladies. Leading a group of such distinct and strong personalities was difficult at times, but I feel like we all united in the end with our love for God and one another. Though I was about to pass out by end of the weekend, every minute there was worth it. I loved getting to know all the girls, seeing them interact and open up to each other, and giving one another advices and encouragements. And for the first time in my life, I prayed out loud for someone. I admit, it was awkward at first because I am so used to praying inside of my head where words just flow freely and naturally, but after like the first day, I got used to praying out loud. It was so empowering and touching because as I prayed for the girls, they started crying, and of course, I did too. Being a leader of a small group was very different than being in one as I was the one who was listening for most of the time -- and I liked that. I like to express my thoughts to others, but what I really want to do is really listen and be there for others because I know what it feels like to not have anyone to express those things to. That's why I get so happy whenever people share things with me. I know it is uncomfortable at first, but it is good for them in the end.
But let's straighten up some things. Your stories do not define you. Your stories are just a part of you and a part of what makes you you.
Overall, it was a good experience, and I never thought I would actually like kids -- but I did.

And I found this quote on tumblr that made me think for hours:
"When you can tell your story and it doesn't make you cry, that's when you know you've healed."
I guess you're never completely healed, or it takes ages to heal. But then it is inevitable that you cry as you pull up those memories that you've tried to suppress.

Finals are over

3/12/15
- Had one of the worst anxiety attacks ever
- Nightmare of shooting at my school / in my dorm
- Anxiety / stress about my grades
- I have to constantly remind myself my grades do not define me
- But my grades ARE important for my future
- I need to work harder
- I need to learn to balance things. But I need to get my PRIORITIES straight.
- At this point, my social life does not matter at all.
- I need to stop comparing my life to other people's lives.
- I need to stop worrying / being so anxious about things.

3/16/15
- I have been praying more and reading God's words more. This has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. God is so good.
- My friend asked me yesterday, "how are you so calm when you have two finals tomorrow?" I was like oh, I seem calm? wha? But I really was calm compared to past couple days when I was having anxiety attacks basically everyday. The only thing I did differently was that I kept praying for wisdom and guidance. And God actually answered my prayers -- how crazy is that? My old self would say that it is a coincidence and that I just got over my panic mode because time heals everything, but I don't think so. I was having anxiety attacks. I was terrified that I would disappoint myself again this term. I would beat myself up for not trying hard enough or think that I'm not smart / good enough. These anxieties and stress were weighing me down and I didn't know what to do. But as I prayed, God lifted all these off my shoulders. I truly believe it was him.
- Here are some good verses that I've read this past month. I've highlighted so many and I don't want to forget about them so I'm posting them on here:

Faith

• 2 Corinthians 5:7 For we walk by faith, not by sight.
• John 14:6 Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Anxiety/Worry

• Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
• Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will protect your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
• Psalsm 94:18-19, Psalms 94:22. When I said "My foot slips,"your mercy, O Lord, held me up. When there is a multitude of worries within me, your comforts delight my soul. / But the Lord is my defense, and my God is the rock of my refuge.
• Mathew 6:25, Mathew 6:33-34. "Therefore, I say to you, take no thought about your life, what you will eat, or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body than clothing? / But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be given to you. Therefore, take no thought about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take thought about the things of itself. Sufficient to the day is the trouble thereof.
• Isaiah 41:10 Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will help you, yes, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
• Philippians 1:6 I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ.
• 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your care upon Him, because He cares for you.
• 1 Peter 5:10 But after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called us to His eternal glory through Christ Jesus, will restore, support, strengthen, and establish you.
• John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."
• Joshua 1:9 Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be you dismayed: for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
• Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

His love

• Luke 15:24 For this son of mine was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.' So they began to merry.
• 2 Corinthians 5:17-18 Therefore, if any man is in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things have passed away. Look, all things have become new. All this is from God, who has reconciled us to Himself through Jesus Christ and has given to us the ministry of reconciliation.
• John 10:10 The thief does not come, except to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
• 1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Teachings

• Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
• 1 Corinthians 6:19 What? Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God, and that you are not your own?
• Colossians 3:5-17. Put away idols and anger... Embrace love...  Be thankful... Do all in the name of the Lord Jesus...
• James 3:13, 17-18. Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show his works by his good life in the meekness of wisdom. / But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
• Philippians 4:8-9 Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue, and if there is any praise, think on these things. Do those things which you have both learned and received, and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you.
• Isaiah 26:4 Trust in the Lord forever, for in God the Lord we have an everlasting rock.
• Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and learn not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make yours paths straight.

OH, and

It is... SPRING BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Goals for this break:

- Actually touch my cello. touch.

- Email the conductor about joining next year (to save a spot for me)

- Get GLASSES and CONTACTS

- Get myself life applications bible

- Dentist appointment. Talk to her about job shadowing.

- Hiking

- Ask about the Korea volunteering thing. & turn in my applications

- Textbooks & Download

And some inspiration

“Working hard for something we don’t care about is called stress; working hard for something we love is called passion.”

—	~ Simon Sinek from Tumblr LET'S PUSH THROUGH DEAD WEEK + FINALS + ESSAYS + PRESENTATIONS

Dead week needs some Jesus

1. “I have commanded you to be strong and brave. Don’t ever be afraid or discouraged! I am the Lord your God, and I will be there to help you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (CEV)
2. “With all your heart you must trust the Lord and not your own judgment. Always let him lead you, and he will clear the road for you to follow.” Proverbs 3:5-6 (CEV)
3. “Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water and sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8 (NIV)
4. “I tell you not to worry about your life. Don’t worry about having something to eat, drink or wear. Isn’t life more important than food or clothing? Look at the birds in the sky! They don’t plant or harvest. They don’t even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren’t you worth more than birds. Can worry make you live longer?” Matthew 6:25-27 (CEV)
5. “I give you peace, the kind of peace that only I can give. It isn’t like the peace that this world can give. So don’t be worried or afraid.” John 14:27 (CEV)
6. “Don’t worry about anything, but pray about everything. … Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel.” See Philippians 4:6-7 (CEV)
7. “God cares for you, so turn all your worries over to him.” 1 Peter 5:7 (CEV)

Oops, forgot the link to the source.

Anyway, I feel so so so stressed but i made few discoveries about myself today that I kind of knew before but they just became super obvious today:

1. I'm a visual learner. I knew this but I thought I twas like 50% visual and 50% kinetic. Well, not so much anymore. I'm like 95% visual. Thanks biology for making me realize that. But I seriously wish I had a photographic memory. :(

2. I actually love pretzel sticks. With peanut butter, it's a 10/10.

3. I am much better at writing than speaking. It takes me FOREVER to write but I prefer it over speaking to communicate my thoughts and emotions because I can say everything I want to without stuttering, jumbling up words, and forgetting what I really wanted to say.

This is my third essay on a plant-based diet

The more I research about the atrocities of animal slaughter and cruelty, the more I feel obligated to become vegan.
As a vegetarian, I find it so selfish how we kill all the animals purely for our own pleasure. There really is no "ethical" killing happening in our world as we are so focused on consumerism and "fast and efficient" way. And obviously, killing is not ethical. I don't look down on people who consume meat because I was once a huge meat eater too. It's just that I wish they would take into consideration having meatless mondays or something like that at least -- like how I am trying my best to limit my dairy intake.
Other than eating ethical food, I want to start buying cruelty-free cosmetic products too.

I know, it is so hard to not consume animal products in our society today. We are constantly bombarded by all these false advertisements animal products: "Light and healthy turkey breast sandwich" "milk makes your bones stronger" and etc. AND we are constantly tempted by alluring and brainwashing advertisements of artery clogging meaty foods. These all lead up to money-obsessed corporations partnering up together to make big money.
"Why do I still have risk of heart disease when I am now eating turkey breast and fat free milk?"
"I'll get you some pills provided by this heart disease association that has partnered up with our hospital. You'll be fine after having these pills."

I don't know. I just feel SO disgusted when it comes to big industries that ALREADY have more than enough money trying to make even MORE money by brainwashing innocent people.

All immigrants are artists

“

The narrator encounters resistance when she tells her father she’s considering a creative path. Often, in an immigrant family, it’s a very big departure for a child to say: I want to be an artist, not a doctor, not a lawyer, or an engineer. The father, here, tells his daughter what so many immigrant parents tell their children: Art is not the safest route in life. We didn’t sacrifice all this for you to take up a precarious profession.

He tries to comfort her, at the same time, by insisting that being an immigrant makes her an artist already. And this is a fascinating notion: that re-creating yourself this way, re-creating your entire life is a form of reinvention on par with the greatest works of literature. This brings art into the realm of what ordinary people do to in order to survive. It takes away the notion that art is too lofty for the masses, and puts it in the day-to-day. I’ve never seen anyone connect being an artist and an immigrant so explicitly, and for me it was a revelation.

My parents spent their entire lives in Haiti before they left. They didn’t know much about the United States except that, at that time, there were opportunities there. They basically packed two suitcases and came. That experience of touching down in a totally foreign place is like having a blank canvas: You begin with nothing, but stroke by stroke you build a life. This process requires everything great art requires—risk-tasking, hope, a great deal of imagination, all the qualities that are the building blocks of art. You must be able to dream something nearly impossible and toil to bring it into existence.

”

—	All Immigrants Are Artists, Edwidge Danticat http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2013/08/all-immigrants-are-artists/279087/ I am in awe. This has got to be one of the most relatable and brilliant things I've ever read.

DIY thing that I have to remind myself to do:

Maybe posting this on here will motivate me to actually do some DIY thing.

I love the watercoloring + the font of this & love the phrase too.