Today's sermon hit me so hard. I almost cried during it and I was so emotionally drained after the service. It made me reflect on my whole life and my obsession about controlling everything. As a perfectionist, I want to be in control of everything. I want everything to be the way I want it, and I just feel like I need to be in control of at least one thing in my life to feel secure. This is why I used to want to be in control of people too, manipulating them, which led me to being control of my own personality and image to fool others. It was not all about controlling though; my mental state was pretty unstable and I had a lot of problems within myself so I was afraid to open up and let people see my true self. But this obsession with controlling needs to end. I want God to be in charge. I want him to lead me to the right path because he has a plan for me. I am here for some purpose that only he knows.
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Another thing,
my friends and I were talking about how you get very close to others when you spiritually open up to them. And this is why I probably should open up only to my girl friends.
And one more thing,
I want to build my relationship with God and make it so strong that I won't ever fall out of my faith again. I do not think I will, but I just want to be stable in my faith. After I establish firm ground, then I think I will be ready for a relationship. I do not want any kind of distraction right now.
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