It is weird being surrounded by those who actually like me. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am respected, appreciated, valued, and loved. I am not a terrible person after all. I am actually likable. I am friendly. I am kind. I am respected. I am needed.
I am loved.. by so many.
SO many. I never realize how much love I receive from people. My parents, my grandparents, my aunt, my pastor back at home, they all pray for me and hope nothing but the best for me.
It is very hard for me realize and accept the fact that I am loved. I've always had friends and family, but it's not about them -- it's about me. I never understood why people liked me because I hated myself so much. My personality is one of my biggest insecurities, and I have NEVER liked it until this weekend. I know I can have many different "faces" and I hated that because I always thought I had some bipolar or personality disorder. I never knew what my real "face" was, I guess. But all these different faces are me. They make up who I am. I can be kind and gentle. I can be quirky and weird. I can be obnoxious and loud. I can be outgoing and fun. I can be harsh and critical. I can be hilarious and crazy. I can be shy and quiet. I can be passionate and assertive. I can be hardworking and determined. I can be lazy and careless. I can be whatever the heck I want to be -- and that is something I like about myself. I can be me at all times, being all these different things.
It's weird to finally accept myself as who I am
now it's time to try to love myself wholeheartedly.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Sprummer 2015 recap
5/22 - 5/25
Sprummer. It was a stress-free, God-focused weekend that I got to spend with my second family.
I am so thankful for the relationships I've made in college, and I just cannot wait to see what God has in store for all of us.
I was reminded of how God makes all things new and beautiful, and that he ultimately comes before anything. I was kind of having a trouble in my walk as I supported same sex marriage. I know, this is a very controversial topic. But as a Christian, as someone who believes in Christ and his words, I do not support same sex marriage. I'm not going to say that homosexuality is wrong and that you're gonna go to hell for being a homosexual. I'm still going to love you even though I don't believe in something you believe in -- just as how people of different religions get along (Christians and non-Christians for example). In God's timing, it'll all work out for you when you choose to follow him because he gave you free will to choose sin or him. I sound as if I am emphasizing homosexuality as a sin; it is according to the Bible but so are self-hatred, lying, and etc. We sin everyday and everyone sins differently. What I'm trying to say is that we all sin, we are all dirty -- but we are washed and cleaned through Jesus. Enough preaching, yeah? Moving on to another one that I was reminded of this past weekend..
It was amazing to see all of these different people with different struggles come together to worship one God. We were all captivated by some earthly thing(s) but this weekend, we were all captivated by our savior. This again reminded me that God makes beauty out of ashes.
It was a different experience from Theophilus. At Theophilus, I was very emotionally vulnerable as it was only a month after I had become Christian, but at this retreat, I did not feel as vulnerable. It made me realize how far I had come with my faith and how strong I have gotten these past few months. I still cried though 'cause I cry literally during every worship and maybe some sessions at retreats. I thought I was almost healed, but I guess I'm not. Digging up those memories always hurt, and it hurts especially because as time goes on, I'm realizing more things that contributed to my testimony/story.
At this one seminar about the importance of culture, I sat with this one girl to pray together. We prayed for each other, for better relationship with our parents, and for her parents to realize what Christianity is about (as her parents are Catholics). I prayed out loud for us first, then she went second. She stuttered a lot, so I asked her if it was her first time praying out loud and she said it was. I found that super cool because I was in her position once. I encouraged her to practice praying out loud and to journal her prayers and just passed down the wisdom and advices I've received. It was such a heartwarming experience.
And I had a high school senior in my group who is coming to OSU in the fall! It was so nice to talk to her and just give her advices and tell her what college is all about. Again, it was super cool and weird because I was the one who was giving advices to an incoming freshman. And I heard that she is incredibly smart. It's weird because I got a "smart" girl in my small group at Theo too. Through putting these very intelligent girls in my small groups, God is definitely telling me something. I used to always wonder how intelligent people could be Christians or just have religions in general. Seeing them so passionate about Jesus, it really opened my eyes. It doesn't matter how "smart" you are; you can still believe and have faith even if your mind is science-oriented or whatever. Everyone is capable of having faith because God made us that way.
I think I don't want to be a small group leader next time. I think I like leading at Theo is better for me than at our retreats because I actually want to talk and share things with the people in my group. But as a small group leader, I just feel this pressure to just only facilitate the conversation and listen to others.
What else..
I have changed SO much this past year. SO SO SO much. I know a lot of people say that I am different and I believe so too -- though I sometimes don't see it haha. It has come to the point where someone describes me as "gentle and kind". Yea, that's me. Weird, I know. I think my prayers have been working T_T because I always pray for a kind heart so that I can pour love on others just as how God poured love on us. I'm glad someone recognized T_T
Overall, this retreat was such a blessing. It was definitely one of the best weekends! (except for the bug bites) But it's ok!!!!!! I need to get used to bug bites for Korea!!
I am so thankful for the relationships I've made in college, and I just cannot wait to see what God has in store for all of us.
I was reminded of how God makes all things new and beautiful, and that he ultimately comes before anything. I was kind of having a trouble in my walk as I supported same sex marriage. I know, this is a very controversial topic. But as a Christian, as someone who believes in Christ and his words, I do not support same sex marriage. I'm not going to say that homosexuality is wrong and that you're gonna go to hell for being a homosexual. I'm still going to love you even though I don't believe in something you believe in -- just as how people of different religions get along (Christians and non-Christians for example). In God's timing, it'll all work out for you when you choose to follow him because he gave you free will to choose sin or him. I sound as if I am emphasizing homosexuality as a sin; it is according to the Bible but so are self-hatred, lying, and etc. We sin everyday and everyone sins differently. What I'm trying to say is that we all sin, we are all dirty -- but we are washed and cleaned through Jesus. Enough preaching, yeah? Moving on to another one that I was reminded of this past weekend..
It was amazing to see all of these different people with different struggles come together to worship one God. We were all captivated by some earthly thing(s) but this weekend, we were all captivated by our savior. This again reminded me that God makes beauty out of ashes.
It was a different experience from Theophilus. At Theophilus, I was very emotionally vulnerable as it was only a month after I had become Christian, but at this retreat, I did not feel as vulnerable. It made me realize how far I had come with my faith and how strong I have gotten these past few months. I still cried though 'cause I cry literally during every worship and maybe some sessions at retreats. I thought I was almost healed, but I guess I'm not. Digging up those memories always hurt, and it hurts especially because as time goes on, I'm realizing more things that contributed to my testimony/story.
At this one seminar about the importance of culture, I sat with this one girl to pray together. We prayed for each other, for better relationship with our parents, and for her parents to realize what Christianity is about (as her parents are Catholics). I prayed out loud for us first, then she went second. She stuttered a lot, so I asked her if it was her first time praying out loud and she said it was. I found that super cool because I was in her position once. I encouraged her to practice praying out loud and to journal her prayers and just passed down the wisdom and advices I've received. It was such a heartwarming experience.
And I had a high school senior in my group who is coming to OSU in the fall! It was so nice to talk to her and just give her advices and tell her what college is all about. Again, it was super cool and weird because I was the one who was giving advices to an incoming freshman. And I heard that she is incredibly smart. It's weird because I got a "smart" girl in my small group at Theo too. Through putting these very intelligent girls in my small groups, God is definitely telling me something. I used to always wonder how intelligent people could be Christians or just have religions in general. Seeing them so passionate about Jesus, it really opened my eyes. It doesn't matter how "smart" you are; you can still believe and have faith even if your mind is science-oriented or whatever. Everyone is capable of having faith because God made us that way.
I think I don't want to be a small group leader next time. I think I like leading at Theo is better for me than at our retreats because I actually want to talk and share things with the people in my group. But as a small group leader, I just feel this pressure to just only facilitate the conversation and listen to others.
What else..
I have changed SO much this past year. SO SO SO much. I know a lot of people say that I am different and I believe so too -- though I sometimes don't see it haha. It has come to the point where someone describes me as "gentle and kind". Yea, that's me. Weird, I know. I think my prayers have been working T_T because I always pray for a kind heart so that I can pour love on others just as how God poured love on us. I'm glad someone recognized T_T
Overall, this retreat was such a blessing. It was definitely one of the best weekends! (except for the bug bites) But it's ok!!!!!! I need to get used to bug bites for Korea!!
Friday, May 22, 2015
May 22
I am so failing at this everyday posting thing.
I leave for a retreat today!
I should be working on my lab report instead of this! But it's ok because I will pull all nighters after the retreat to finish it! I'm gonna regret it so much.
I'm nervous / anxious about being a small group leader. I wanted to be one and I know that I will grow spiritually through this experience, but it is so... stressful? I know, it shouldn't be. I should be willing to do this and it is an honorable / happy thing to do. It's because I'm a perfectionist -- as a small group leader, I want to be a "role model". But you know what, I'm imperfect and that's ok. I can't be a perfect leader because I'm only human. I am praying that God will put the right words in my mouth to speak to those in my group and that I will do whatever at his will. I am praying for wisdom and the heart to talk to each one of these people individually and that they will open up to me. I am not as nervous for this one as Theophilus, but I want to do a better job this time. I want to pour love on them as how God poured love on us. I want to be the one they go to when they feel the need to talk to someone. I want to be someone they can trust and lean on for the weekend. I just pray that I'll be able to be that person.
I'll write about my experience at the retreat when I come back!
And I pray that we'll all make there safely and come back safely and healthy.
I leave for a retreat today!
I should be working on my lab report instead of this! But it's ok because I will pull all nighters after the retreat to finish it! I'm gonna regret it so much.
I'm nervous / anxious about being a small group leader. I wanted to be one and I know that I will grow spiritually through this experience, but it is so... stressful? I know, it shouldn't be. I should be willing to do this and it is an honorable / happy thing to do. It's because I'm a perfectionist -- as a small group leader, I want to be a "role model". But you know what, I'm imperfect and that's ok. I can't be a perfect leader because I'm only human. I am praying that God will put the right words in my mouth to speak to those in my group and that I will do whatever at his will. I am praying for wisdom and the heart to talk to each one of these people individually and that they will open up to me. I am not as nervous for this one as Theophilus, but I want to do a better job this time. I want to pour love on them as how God poured love on us. I want to be the one they go to when they feel the need to talk to someone. I want to be someone they can trust and lean on for the weekend. I just pray that I'll be able to be that person.
I'll write about my experience at the retreat when I come back!
And I pray that we'll all make there safely and come back safely and healthy.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Portlandia
5/16/15
Some of the day's adventures / eats:
Because I cannot drive around downtown.
So kawaii inside.
The best thing that has ever entered my mouth.
So cute and modern.
Blueberry basil and passionfruit. Yas.
The picture on the right is Thai iced tea flavored ice cream. Yas.
This day was the happiest/most stress free day I've had in a long time. I love Portland and living in Corvallis makes me appreciate everything about it even more.
One thing that made me uneasy though --
I saw these two/three Christian guys with signs that said "Homo sex is a sin" "If you don't repent he will punish you" or something like that, and some guy with a costume on was arguing with them / trying to threaten them.
First, everyone sins differently and they (the guys with the signs) need to understand that. Homosexuality is very prevalent in the community but so is self-hate, lying, judging others, and etc. We ALL sin. Homosexuality is not more of a sin than self-hatred. So what if I had a sign that said, "Hating yourself is a sin" "If you don't repent he will punish you". How would you respond?
Second, as someone who was once an atheist I'm just gonna be honest and say that arguing with nonbelievers is NOT going to convert people. It will make them hate religions even more. Instead of arguing, they should have loved on that guy who was threatening them. If you feel so strongly about Christianity, do you not also feel so strongly about God's love and his message? To love others. Pour love on them and they will see his love too.
Third, I know they wanted to get the message across and expose them to the truth.. But what they were trying to do in their argument was proving THEIR point instead of proving GOD himself. They forgot the purpose of why they were standing there with the signs. Maybe their purpose was not completely God centered to begin with.
Finally, I feel like I am a hypocrite for writing all this because I did not do anything about them arguing. I just watched them when I could have said all these things. -- I guess this part was the reason why I was so frustrated and uneasy for rest of the day.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Catching up..
Catching up on this Happy May thing...
Past couple days were a blur. I don't really remember what I did except I stressed out about bio midterm, lab, and scholarship. I just remember there were literally 20 things on my To Do list and it freaked me out. I'm down to 8 thank good ness :')
I think I've mentioned this before on this blog, but I get super anxious whenever I'm applying for scholarships or jobs or anything. So as you can probably guess, applying to colleges was a hell of a ride for me. I get super nervous because I always think I'm not good enough. I give up without even trying. I've been trying to work on this for awhile now, but it's still a struggle for me. It is so bad because I always think I'm don't meet the requirement and give up without even trying! I'm just really afraid of failures and rejections. I hate being told that I am not good enough and that I'm a disappointment. BUT it's life, not everything is gonna go my way, I am not the best in everything, I don't have to be the best in everything, people fail and get rejected a lot, probably more than I do, so why not try at least?!
5/13
I feel like my walk with God is progressing -- finally!!! And I've been having some troubling thoughts lately, but praying about it brought peace to my heart. I've been reading Psalms lately, and I absolutely love it. It is so poetic and all the writers in the book are so honest and raw with their emotions. I'm learning that I don't have to bottle everything up inside of me as I can "let go and let God." And journaling down my thoughts and my reflection helped me a lot with my thought process and prayers! I feel like I am finally back on track, and it makes my heart sing of joy. :)
And I have been so angry at the world lately too as there are SO many manipulative, greedy, and violent people in this world who harms the innocent. I kept asking myself Why? What even motivates them to do such things? I read the bible, my favorite book of Psalms, and came across a passage talking about the wicked, greedy people in this world -- then I thought, why do I hate them so much? they are human too after all, so they sin. I sin too. Everyone just sins differently. No matter how big or small a sin may be, it is still a sin. Everyone sins differently. [very important to remember]
I found out today that my top 3 spiritual gifts are administration, service, and mercy. I know that I am good at planning and organizing things to get stuff done, but it just puts extra stress on me so I don't know how to feel about it. Other than that, I completely agree with service and mercy though I did not know they were gonna be so high on the list. I really want to serve and just help others in need and I love to talk to people who are struggling to help and and build personal relationships with them. I think I might take the test again to see if I get the same three because when I took the test I was iffy on a lot of things.
(Wow, I have changed so much)
Oh and I'm going back to portland this weekend! Super excited because I incredibly miss portland.. and shopping AND (good) DONUTS. And my family too I guess. LOL. But before I go, I have to finish most of my lab report and other homework.
Did I mention that I got a plane ticket to go to Korea in the summer?! I miss Korea. It has been 9 years. Wow. I'll be mostly doing volunteer work in Korea (which I am so stoked for even if it requires cleaning poop and getting bitten by all the bugs) and I might do some job shadowing too! I am SO SO SO excited!! My relatives will be weirded out because my Korean isn't going to be super fluent and English is going to slip out here and there.
Past couple days were a blur. I don't really remember what I did except I stressed out about bio midterm, lab, and scholarship. I just remember there were literally 20 things on my To Do list and it freaked me out. I'm down to 8 thank good ness :')
I think I've mentioned this before on this blog, but I get super anxious whenever I'm applying for scholarships or jobs or anything. So as you can probably guess, applying to colleges was a hell of a ride for me. I get super nervous because I always think I'm not good enough. I give up without even trying. I've been trying to work on this for awhile now, but it's still a struggle for me. It is so bad because I always think I'm don't meet the requirement and give up without even trying! I'm just really afraid of failures and rejections. I hate being told that I am not good enough and that I'm a disappointment. BUT it's life, not everything is gonna go my way, I am not the best in everything, I don't have to be the best in everything, people fail and get rejected a lot, probably more than I do, so why not try at least?!
5/13
I feel like my walk with God is progressing -- finally!!! And I've been having some troubling thoughts lately, but praying about it brought peace to my heart. I've been reading Psalms lately, and I absolutely love it. It is so poetic and all the writers in the book are so honest and raw with their emotions. I'm learning that I don't have to bottle everything up inside of me as I can "let go and let God." And journaling down my thoughts and my reflection helped me a lot with my thought process and prayers! I feel like I am finally back on track, and it makes my heart sing of joy. :)
And I have been so angry at the world lately too as there are SO many manipulative, greedy, and violent people in this world who harms the innocent. I kept asking myself Why? What even motivates them to do such things? I read the bible, my favorite book of Psalms, and came across a passage talking about the wicked, greedy people in this world -- then I thought, why do I hate them so much? they are human too after all, so they sin. I sin too. Everyone just sins differently. No matter how big or small a sin may be, it is still a sin. Everyone sins differently. [very important to remember]
I found out today that my top 3 spiritual gifts are administration, service, and mercy. I know that I am good at planning and organizing things to get stuff done, but it just puts extra stress on me so I don't know how to feel about it. Other than that, I completely agree with service and mercy though I did not know they were gonna be so high on the list. I really want to serve and just help others in need and I love to talk to people who are struggling to help and and build personal relationships with them. I think I might take the test again to see if I get the same three because when I took the test I was iffy on a lot of things.
(Wow, I have changed so much)
Oh and I'm going back to portland this weekend! Super excited because I incredibly miss portland.. and shopping AND (good) DONUTS. And my family too I guess. LOL. But before I go, I have to finish most of my lab report and other homework.
Did I mention that I got a plane ticket to go to Korea in the summer?! I miss Korea. It has been 9 years. Wow. I'll be mostly doing volunteer work in Korea (which I am so stoked for even if it requires cleaning poop and getting bitten by all the bugs) and I might do some job shadowing too! I am SO SO SO excited!! My relatives will be weirded out because my Korean isn't going to be super fluent and English is going to slip out here and there.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Mother's day
Umma, thank you for all that you've done for me. You are nowhere near a "bad parent". I hope you didn't/don't beat yourself up too much about what happened with me. Nobody's perfect. It wasn't your fault and it was not my fault either -- it was just my screwed up brain. I hope you've forgiven yourself for not "looking after me more". Because you've raised me to be so independent, I can do really anything by myself without anyone's help. And not being able to afford college? Well, it really doesn't matter now because it all worked out! You have continuously tried to provide the best for me -- and coming to the U.S. you did for my education, and I am eternally thankful for that. I've never said this to you directly but I really respect you and really aspire to be like you. You are so intelligent and articulate and I just really wish I was as smart and as fluent as you. You always know what to say and how to say things well and I am pretty sad I am not as eloquent. And your smartness!! Wow, you and dad, you both are the smartest people I know. If you were given the opportunities that I have now, you probably would have done something greater -- even though you deny this b/c you always say that you were too lazy to do anything with your education. I know I know, you continue to push me because a part of you wants me to accomplish what you couldn't. And I promise I'll make you proud!
And you have been the shoulder to cry and lean on whenever I felt hopeless and vent to whenever I felt stressed and discouraged. Not gonna lie, it is hard sometimes in college when I don't have anyone to cry to. I miss you mom and I hope to see you next week.
---
Happy birthday, dad.
Dad, I don't know if you know this, but you are the best dad ever. You are even the best man, human being I know. You are my role model -- you don't even know how much I look up to you. Whenever people asked me, "Who do you like better, your mom or dad?" my answer was always you (not that I disliked mom or anything..). You are the most outgoing, joyful, hilarious, easy-going, selfless, humble, and kindhearted man I know, and I am SO happy to call you my dad. It makes me tear up whenever I think about how much you work to provide for the family. Your aching back, tired eyes, restless legs... But you still make time for family -- going camping, hiking, canoeing, biking, playing basketball with my brother.. I don't know how you do it, dad. And I don't know if you've realized this, but people absolutely love you dad. They love your personality and the selfless person you are. You're so involved at church, pursuing your passion -- as you are in church choir now haha -- and you've been elected as one of the leaders for this grocery association thing? You continue to inspire me and motivate me, and I really aspire to be like you.
I just wish that you wouldn't "yolo" it when it comes to your health though. I do NOT want what happened to grandpa to happen to you. Please please please be healthy dad. Please don't drink everyday and please don't eat meat everyday. I love you dad, I just want you to be by my side as long as possible.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)